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Aging Gracefully

Getting old is confusing and a bit tricky sometimes

My wife likes to shop --

Recently, Jim Duchene’s wife wanted him to go with her to the mall. At first, I didn’t want to, he said, I like to walk in the afternoon and her shopping schedule would disrupt my walking schedule.

Finally, I agreed. I figured that, the way my wife shops, I would still get my walking done, and this way both of us would be a winner.

In my case, a broke winner.

My elderly father who lives with us then decided he wanted to tag along, so, instead of walking, I knew I’d end up being a babysitter for a 96-year-old man. He used to walk every morning, but recently his idea of going on a walk has become sitting in front of the TV and watching The Price is Right.

After a store or two, my father and I sat and waited for my wife to run out of money. As we watched the other Saturday shoppers walk past, a group of very sexily dressed girls walked by.

“Hmm ...” I said.

“Hmm ...” my father said, and then he told me, “Seeing them makes me wish I was 20 years older.”

“Older?” I asked him. “Don’t you mean 20 years younger?” “Nah,” he said. “I mean 20 years older. That way I wouldn’t care one way or the other.”

 

Getting old -- California Cutie described to us what getting old means
  • I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that, my friend, is the definition of “OLD”
  • Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
  • An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed, “Why Wal- Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’”
  • Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
  • It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
  • These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
  • Thought for the day: I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.
  • The senility prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

Old friends -- PA Charlie shared this forgetful little conversation with us.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me ... I know we’ve been friends for a longtime but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

 

On driving -- A little ditty from Geerichard:

My car is in bad shape: The carburetor won’t carb,

The choke won’t choke,

The battery won’t bat,

And the pistons don’t work either.

Senior driving -- PA Charlie might be experiencing ringing in his ears after this submission.

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-85. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

 

Cruising -- Also coming from PA Charlie, we can see his mind is on the road.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light. “After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

The end



Pop provided us with the perfect finish for our little column.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” the medicine man responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.



POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE



postcard

Morava and Gunter Schaa of AVESA Holistic Therapies in Silver City enjoy their copy of Desert Exposure in front of the cathedral in Cologne, Germany during their recent trip to Germany, Switzerland and France. Whether you’re going to Nebraska, New England or Nepal snap a photo of yourself holding a copy of Desert Exposure and send it to diary@desertexposure.com or stick it in the mail to: Desert Exposure, 840 N. Telshor Blvd., Suite E, Las Cruces, NM,

 

 




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