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Of love, loss and pickups

The punishment is cruel and unusual

 

All Puns Intended

 

Dr. Jerry provides some word crime and punishment:

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
  7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
    “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
    The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
    “Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
  21. And finally, there was the person who sent 10 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

It’s not senility, it’s overload.

 

True love

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Deputy: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five feet tall.

Deputy: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Deputy: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Deputy: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Deputy: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Deputy: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Deputy: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Deputy: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

 

Further punishment

Enlightenment from Charles Clements:

    • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
    • When chemists die, they barium.
    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
    • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
    • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
    • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
    • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    • What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
    • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

 

Cowboys or fishing, whatever the topic, send your favorite anecdotes, jokes, puns and tall tales, addressed to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email diary@desertexposure.com The best submission each month gets a Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.

 

 




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