Stupidity, Sinning and Seniors
Losing the battle of the sexes, part I… New correspondent PACharlie insists the following really happened. (Then adds, "OK, in part.") Either way, it's a good way to start off this month's Diary:
Plus dispatches from the battle of the sexes.
"My wife and I don't watch too many TV shows together, but one we like is Friday's 'Blue Bloods.' Lately she looks at the prologue and says that's a rerun. Last night the same, 'The grandfather has an affair a long time ago with his police partner and on and on.' Left me to watch on the other TV. I just enjoy the interaction of the people.
"Later on we went to bed. We leave the light on as we talk about things of the day. I wanted to give her a compliment and said, 'You sure have an uncanny memory for TV shows.' My mistake was I added, 'Then why is it you can never remember where you put your cell phone?'
"Good thing my dentures were out. My lips will heal in time."
Stupid is as stupid does… With apologies to any LSU fans out there (but hey, we root for Bama), here's this from GeraldH:
"Bubba went to LSU on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.
"Come graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly, he would give him a diploma.
"The one-question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, 'Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly, I'll give you your diploma.'
"Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question: 'Bubba,' he said, 'How much is three times seven?'
"Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, 'Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!'
"Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, 'I think I know the answer. Three times seven is 21.'
"A hush fell over the auditorium and then students began another chant: 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'"
We know we can count on you to share your own favorite jokes and amusing anecdotes by emailing them to email@example.com. Now don't let us down!
Oh heavenly daze… This little moral lesson was sent our way by Shanty Shaker:
"Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?'
"Murphy said, 'I got to be honest with you, Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.'
"The priest said, 'Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?'
"Murphy replied, 'Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.'
"With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, 'After I talked about 'Thou shalt not steal,' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?'
"Murphy slowly shook his head. 'No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat.'"
You're only as old as you feel… Two accounts of senior employment at Wal-Mart that should put a smiley on your face. This one's from The Packrat Out Back:
"After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter — a good find for many retirees — I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting trailer-trash babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
"As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.' I then said, 'Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
"The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they ain't effin' twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin' stupid?'
"I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone would have sex with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
"My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work."
According to Kayo, who shared this with us, this is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to a Wal-Mart. Supposedly they hired him because he was so funny. We have a hard time believing Wal-Mart has that kind of sense of humor, but are glad someone does:
"NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
"SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
"DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place — would I?
"DESIRED SALARY: $150,000 a year plus stock options and a Barack Obama style retirement package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
"LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
"PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
"MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-It Notes.
"REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
"HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
"PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
"MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
"DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS?: Of what?
"DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be: 'Do you have a car that runs?'
"HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
"DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job — no! On my breaks — yes!
"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big breasts who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
"NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
"DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. Absolutely."