Mules, Philosophers & Scandihoovians
Plus redneck rules and life lessons.
Losing the battle of the sexes… Fresh from the front lines of the gender wars, The Santa Claran starts us off:
"An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.
"One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag — it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
"At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But when a man mourner approached the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
"This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
"The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
"'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
"'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'"
Short and sweet… Then there's this brief from CharlesC:
"I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight. After all, seven pounds, six ounces is a bit unrealistic."
Long or short, your funnies are welcome here at Desert Diary. Email your favorites to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Annals of law enforcement… If you've ever been pulled over for speeding, this one from the Silver City Greek will resonate:
"Two Texas Highway Patrol officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy. 77, just south of Kingsville. One of the officers was using a handheld radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
"Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite treetops on Hwy. 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet, which was engaged in a low flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
"Back at the Texas Highway Patrol headquarters in Corpus Christi, the patrol captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
"The reply came back in true USMC style:
"'Thank you for your letter. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment's location.
"Fortunately, the Marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system, before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy. 77 south of Kingsville.
"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them since the video systems on these jets are very high-tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
No exit… One reader, Pond-Lily, thought she could raise the intellectual level of the jokes in Desert Diary with these online items that will likely impress the personnel at your local institutions of higher education:
"Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.' The waitress replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'
"An online visitor explains: 'Sartre wrote about choice, but that joke is obviously referring to his notion of nothingness, which he took to be a physical nothing, rather than a simple lack of something. He famously put this to analogy with his story about Pierre. You go to the café to meet your friend Pierre, but when you arrive, he's not there. What you feel is the actual LACK of Pierre. You look around expecting to see him but you do not. He is a nothingness that is felt. So the joke about 'no cream' is turned around with a nothingness of milk.'
"For those who would like to be name-droppers, but don't know what names to drop:
"'Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, 'Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?' Gödel replies, 'We can't know because we're inside the joke.' Chomsky says, 'Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong'.'
"Another joke that is probably a little easier to memorize, and a little snappier:
"'Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?'"
Redneck is as redneck does… About as far along the intellectual spectrum from that last entry as it's possible to get, here's GeraldH with "You're an Extreme Redneck When...":
"You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
"The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
"You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
"You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
"You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
"Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this!'
"You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
"Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
"Your junior prom offered day care.
"You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are, 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
"You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
"The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
"You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
"One of your kids was born on a pool table.
"You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
"You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
"You think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk."
You know for sure you're a redneck if you don't know how to share your favorite jokes with Desert Diary. It's easy! Just email them to email@example.com or mail the old-fashioned way to PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062.