Deep South and Candid Kids
Plus counting ammo and aphorisms for our time.
The full Scandihoovian... No doubt recalling that we're suckers for Ole and Lena jokes, Ned Ludd shared this one:
"Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits. One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him $50,000.
"Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena.
"In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, 'Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes... Two tales from the gender wars, the first from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley, sent with the subject, "How I lost my teeth":
"Was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the ass. She said, 'Hey, sexy, how about giving me your number!'
"I looked at her and said, 'Have you got a pen?'
"She said, 'I sure do.'
"I said, 'Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.'
"My dental surgery is on Monday."
Then there's this from Old Grumps:
"Husband's message (by cellphone): 'Honey, a car has hit me while I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been running tests and taking x-rays, but I think it's bad. The blow to my head was very strong. Fortunately, it seems that it may not have caused too much serious damage, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture of the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.'
"Wife's response: 'Who is Paula?'"
Share your reports from the battle of the sexes, your favorite funnies and anecdotes with Desert Diary by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wish I was in Dixie... This humorous tour of the South was sent our way by The Packrat Out Back, who reminds us, "Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' north!"
"A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
"Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
"Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go.'
"The old gentleman paused then said: 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
"'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper."
* * * *
"The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
"The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everthang but my earrings.'"
* * * *
"A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied, 'I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.'"
* * * *
"The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
"Bubba replied, 'Did y'all see who it was?'
"The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'"
* * * *
"A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
"A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
"The man replied, 'I got a flat tahr.'
"The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
"The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither.'"
* * * *
"A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
"The driver replied, ' 'Bout whut?'"
* * * *
"The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head.'
"'Yep,' the man replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
Kids say the darnedest things... Switching from the South to the innocence of youth, here's this yarn from GeraldH:
"Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
"'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' said his father.
"'But I don't have to,' the five-year-old replied.
"'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
"'That's at our house,' Ernie said. 'This is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'"
And another tale of youthful honesty, from Aletteration:
Fashion statements... This offbeat tale came to us from the Silver City Greek:
"After he and his baby brother were baptized, the little boy cried all the way home from church, riding in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
"Finally, the boy stopped crying enough to explain: 'The priest said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home. But I want to stay with you guys!'"
"A guy is heading into a club to meet his friends for a stag night. The doorman stops him from entering because he is not wearing a tie. The chap complains but the doorman says, 'No tie, no entry.' The guy returns to his car and looks for a tie. There is no tie. He looks in the trunk, where the only thing available is a set of jumper cables. He puts them around his neck and fashions a knot and heads back to the club.
"The doorman looks him up and down and says, 'OK, you can come in but don't go starting anything!'"
Annals of escalation... Everything's relative, we guess, and depends on your point of view. Take this illustration from Ramblin' Man:
"You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered 'mentally unstable.'
"In Arizona, he'd be called 'an avid gun collector.'
"In Arkansas, he'd be called 'a novice gun collector.'
"In Utah, he'd be called 'moderately well prepared,' but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
"In Kansas, he'd be 'a guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.'
"In Montana, he'd be called 'the neighborhood 'go-to' guy.'
"In Alabama, he'd be called 'a likely gubernatorial candidate.'
"In Georgia, he'd be called 'an eligible bachelor.'
"In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called 'a deer-hunting buddy.'
"And in Texas he'd just be 'Bubba, who's a little short on ammo.'"
Pondering the imponderables... The Packrat Out Back returns with these updated aphorisms. Some we may have seen before, but they're worth repeating:
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
"We have enough 'youth.' How about a 'fountain of smart'?
"A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
"Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
"The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
"You know why a banana is like a politician? He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow, and then he's rotten.
'I think congressmen should wear uniforms — you know, like NASCAR drivers — so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
Medical miracles... This one from Dr.B could of course be about any ethnic group, so please don't show up at our house with bagpipes at 2 a.m.:
"A wealthy Saudi sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the wealthy sheik. After the surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, five carats of diamonds and $50,000.
"A couple of days later, once again, the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the sheik and said: 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.'
"To this the wealthy sheik replied: 'Aye, laddie, but now I have Scottish blood in ma veins.'"
Annals of inebriation... Finally, some advice from GeeRichard:
"My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge for staying healthy naturally: 'For better digestion, I drink beer. For loss of appetite, I drink white wine. With low blood pressure, red wine. With high blood pressure, cognac. And whenever I have a cold, I drink vodka.'
"'And when do you drink water?' I asked.
"'I have never been that sick!'"
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Our second reader photo comes from Grace Williams and Jim York of Mimbres, "on a visit to the Angkor Wat temple complex in Cambodia."
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