Desert Diary, p2
And another tale of youthful honesty, from Aletteration:
Fashion statements... This offbeat tale came to us from the Silver City Greek:
"After he and his baby brother were baptized, the little boy cried all the way home from church, riding in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
"Finally, the boy stopped crying enough to explain: 'The priest said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home. But I want to stay with you guys!'"
"A guy is heading into a club to meet his friends for a stag night. The doorman stops him from entering because he is not wearing a tie. The chap complains but the doorman says, 'No tie, no entry.' The guy returns to his car and looks for a tie. There is no tie. He looks in the trunk, where the only thing available is a set of jumper cables. He puts them around his neck and fashions a knot and heads back to the club.
"The doorman looks him up and down and says, 'OK, you can come in but don't go starting anything!'"
Annals of escalation... Everything's relative, we guess, and depends on your point of view. Take this illustration from Ramblin' Man:
"You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered 'mentally unstable.'
"In Arizona, he'd be called 'an avid gun collector.'
"In Arkansas, he'd be called 'a novice gun collector.'
"In Utah, he'd be called 'moderately well prepared,' but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
"In Kansas, he'd be 'a guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.'
"In Montana, he'd be called 'the neighborhood 'go-to' guy.'
"In Alabama, he'd be called 'a likely gubernatorial candidate.'
"In Georgia, he'd be called 'an eligible bachelor.'
"In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called 'a deer-hunting buddy.'
"And in Texas he'd just be 'Bubba, who's a little short on ammo.'"
Pondering the imponderables... The Packrat Out Back returns with these updated aphorisms. Some we may have seen before, but they're worth repeating:
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
"We have enough 'youth.' How about a 'fountain of smart'?
"A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
"Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
"Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
"The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
"You know why a banana is like a politician? He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow, and then he's rotten.
'I think congressmen should wear uniforms — you know, like NASCAR drivers — so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
Medical miracles... This one from Dr.B could of course be about any ethnic group, so please don't show up at our house with bagpipes at 2 a.m.:
"A wealthy Saudi sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the wealthy sheik. After the surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, five carats of diamonds and $50,000.
"A couple of days later, once again, the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman, who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the sheik and said: 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.'
"To this the wealthy sheik replied: 'Aye, laddie, but now I have Scottish blood in ma veins.'"
Annals of inebriation... Finally, some advice from GeeRichard:
Send your favorite anecdotes, jokes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email firstname.lastname@example.org. The best submission each month gets a Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
"My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge for staying healthy naturally: 'For better digestion, I drink beer. For loss of appetite, I drink white wine. With low blood pressure, red wine. With high blood pressure, cognac. And whenever I have a cold, I drink vodka.'
"'And when do you drink water?' I asked.
"'I have never been that sick!'"
Postcards from the edge... Going somewhere? Take along a copy of Desert Exposure and snap a photo of yourself holding it "on location." Here's Eva Booker with a photo from her trip to Europe, showing her with Desert Exposure in Augsburg, Germany.
Our second reader photo comes from Grace Williams and Jim York of Mimbres, "on a visit to the Angkor Wat temple complex in Cambodia."
Whether you're going to Angkor Wat or Albuquerque, snap a picture of yourself holding a copy of your favorite publication (ahem, that would be Desert Exposure) and send it to PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email@example.com.