Deep South and Candid Kids
Plus counting ammo and aphorisms for our time.
The full Scandihoovian... No doubt recalling that we're suckers for Ole and Lena jokes, Ned Ludd shared this one:
"Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits. One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him $50,000.
"Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena.
"In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, 'Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes... Two tales from the gender wars, the first from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley, sent with the subject, "How I lost my teeth":
"Was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the ass. She said, 'Hey, sexy, how about giving me your number!'
"I looked at her and said, 'Have you got a pen?'
"She said, 'I sure do.'
"I said, 'Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.'
"My dental surgery is on Monday."
Then there's this from Old Grumps:
"Husband's message (by cellphone): 'Honey, a car has hit me while I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been running tests and taking x-rays, but I think it's bad. The blow to my head was very strong. Fortunately, it seems that it may not have caused too much serious damage, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture of the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.'
"Wife's response: 'Who is Paula?'"
Share your reports from the battle of the sexes, your favorite funnies and anecdotes with Desert Diary by emailing email@example.com.
Wish I was in Dixie... This humorous tour of the South was sent our way by The Packrat Out Back, who reminds us, "Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' north!"
"A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
"Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
"Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go.'
"The old gentleman paused then said: 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
"'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper."
* * * *
"The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
"The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everthang but my earrings.'"
"A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied, 'I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.'"
* * * *
"The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
"Bubba replied, 'Did y'all see who it was?'
"The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'"
* * * *
"A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
"A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
"The man replied, 'I got a flat tahr.'
"The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
"The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither.'"
* * * *
"A Tennessee state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
"The driver replied, ' 'Bout whut?'"
* * * *
"The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head.'
"'Yep,' the man replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
Kids say the darnedest things... Switching from the South to the innocence of youth, here's this yarn from GeraldH:
"Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
"'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' said his father.
"'But I don't have to,' the five-year-old replied.
"'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
"'That's at our house,' Ernie said. 'This is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'"