Irishmen, Priests and Newfies
Plus the love lives of lawyers and pigs.
Annals of inebriation… This tale from Old Grumps could of course be told of any ethnic group, much as our blonde jokes could be applied to any hair hue. So here's to…
"An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
"When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
"He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'So, you've been out drinking again!'
"'Why do you say that?' he asks innocently.
"'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.'"
Lumbering along… Who knew that Canadians had their own ethnic and provincial jokes? We're pretty sure this is our first "Newfie" (as in Newfoundland) joke, courtesy of The Packrat Out Back:
"A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.
"But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'
"The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a lumber in er.'
"The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree and of a different class.
"'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet,' says the Newfie.
"Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and gotten the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his drivers side window. 'And what about that one?'
"Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at most.'
"The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office, a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'
"When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newfie states.
"The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'
"The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot, cleaning it in the gravel, and replies, 'Cuz someone took a crap behind it!'
"He got the job. Three weeks later he became the foreman."
Send your own "Newfie" jokes — or any other type — to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Oh, heavenly daze!… A second funny from The Packrat Out Back, this with a clerical bent:
"Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
"The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a topless swimsuit came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
"As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, 'Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually.
"They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
"Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless swimsuit, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said, 'Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
"One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
"'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
"She replied, 'Father, it's me — Sister Kathleen.'"
Forgive me, Father… Combining two of this month's themes, the Irish and the priesthood, this joke from GeraldH is also worth raising your glass to:
"An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.
"When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins, 'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'
"The priest replies, 'Get out. You're on my side.'"
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