Grandparents and Mother Goose
Plus English drivers, cowboy cuisine and spellczech.
There'll always be an England... We start off on an international note with this fresh funny from the Silver City Greek:
"This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
"With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.
"Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he has just been arrested.
"The Englishman answers with humor: 'No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver — on the other side?'"
Annals of technology... We don't normally run poetry in Desert Diary, but you'll see why we made an exception for this submission from GeeRichard:
"I have a spelling checker,
That came with my PC.
It planley marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
It's letter perfect in its weight,
My checker tolled me sew."
Don't be shellfish! Cher the laughs! Send your favorite jokes and spellchecker sins to Desert Diary at email@example.com.
Losing the battle of the sexes... Two reports from the gender wars, the first a last gasp from a certain sporting event earlier this year, courtesy of Old Grumps:
"A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"'No,' the man replied, 'the seat is empty.'
"'This is incredible,' said the first man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?'
"The second man replied, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.'
"'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,' the first man said. 'That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor, to take the seat?'
"The widowed man shook his head. 'No, they're all at the funeral.'"
Then there's this shortie from CharlesC:
"Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, 'He fought with me again! I am coming to live with you!'
"Mom said, 'No, darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.'"
You're only as old as you feel... What is a grandparent? That's the question purportedly poised to a class of eight-year-olds, whose responses are passed along here by Pop:
"Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
"A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!
"Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them."
"They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
"When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
"They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
"They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
"Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
"They wear glasses and funny underwear.
"They can take their teeth and gums out.
"Grandparents don't have to be smart.
"They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
"When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
"Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
"They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
"GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
"It's funny when they bend over. You hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog."
Half-baked humor... We're pretty sure we've seen something along these lines before, but not with so much clever detail. Please join Toni in the Vet's Office in remembering an icon of advertising:
"The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
"Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
"Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
"Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
"Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children — John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough — plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
"The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes."
Yumpin' yiminy!... You know we're suckers for Ole and Lena jokes, like this one from GeraldH:
"Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
"The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, 'Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.'
"Ole replied, 'Vat's the bad news?'
"The surveyors stated, 'Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!'
"Ole looked at Lena and said, 'Dat's the best news I have heard in a long time. I yust told Lena this morning that I don't t'ink I can take another winter in Minnesota.'"
Mother Goose is cooked... Just when we were saying we seldom run poetry, here comes Old Grumps again with these fractured nursery rhymes! You might not want to recite these for the young-uns:
"Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard."
"Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread."
"Mary had a little sheep
That went to bed with her to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb."
"Jack be nimble
Jack be quicker
Jack jumped over the candle stick
and burned his pecker."
"Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son."
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again."
"Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock."
"There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car."