Cuckoo Clocks and Snow Plows
Plus heavenly signs, anniversary revelations and elevator thoughts.
Weather or not… Let us start by welcoming March, the month in which spring begins, with a reminder that not everywhere in our great land has enjoyed the mostly balmy winter weather we have. Thanks to Ned Ludd for sharing:
"With all of the severe weather we have been having this winter, the Department of Transportation issued a travel warning. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should have the following:
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves
24 hours' worth of food
Flashlight and spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
Empty gas can
"I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!"
Oh heavenly daze!… Next we have two reports from church, the first just in time for the start of spring training, courtesy of Aletteration:
Then there's this, from the Santa Claran:
"Baseball is talked about in the Bible a great deal —
"In the big inning God created the Heavens and the Earth.
"Eve stole first.
"Adam stole second
"Gideon rattled the pitchers.
"Goliath was put out by David."
Blessed are those who share their jokes! Send your tales from the pew, favorite jokes, anecdotes and puns to Desert Diary at firstname.lastname@example.org.
"The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
"The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock-n-roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'
"'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'
"'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest. 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'
"'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'
"'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell, cannot stay on the church roof.'"
Yumpin' yiminy!… We're suckers for Scandihoovian jokes, like this from GeraldH:
Miss Manners… This tale from CharlesC cites Wyoming, but this sounds an awful lot like some ladies from the South we've known:
"Ole and Lena were out walking when suddenly Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
"The operator said, 'Where are you?'
"Ole said, 'We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street.'
"The operator said, 'How do you spell that?' and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
"When he came back on at last, he said, 'I dragged her over to Oak Street. That's O-A-K.'"
In a family way… New correspondent Pop passed along this tale of parenthood:
"Two informally dressed ladies started up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was a California woman, married to a wealthy man. The second was a elderly woman from northwest Wyoming.
"When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, 'When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.' The lady from Wyoming commented, 'Well, bless your heart.'
"The first woman continued, 'When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.' Again, the lady from Wyoming commented, 'Well, bless your heart.'
"The first woman continued boasting, 'Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.' Yet again, the Wyoming lady commented, 'Well, bless your heart.'
"The first woman then asked her companion, 'What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?'
"'My husband sent me to charm school,' declared the Wyoming lady.
"'Charm school?' the first woman cried. 'Oh, my God! What on earth for?'
"The Wyoming lady responded, 'Well, for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap?,' I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart!'"
"A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"'Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift.'
"'Not to worry,' said Dad. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'
"Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'
"'It's nothing,' said Dad. 'We're glad you were able to come.'
"Just then the daughter arrived. 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'
"After they had finished dessert, the dad said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
"The three children gasped and all said in unison, 'You mean we're bastards?'
"'Yep,' said the dad. 'And cheap ones, too.'"
Kids say the darnedest things… These accounts of the adventures of "Little Larry" came our way courtesy of GeeRichard:
"A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
"'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'"
"Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
"'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"'What's the matter?' asked Larry. 'You giving up?'"
"The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and asked, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
"Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'"
"Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station, where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"'Yes,' said the policeman.
"Larry asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'"