Kites, Golf and Aging Gracefully
Plus blondes and the perfect man.
Persons of the blonde persuasion… Having shared blonde jokes (among others) for nearly a dozen years now, it's POSSIBLE a few of these from AZHawk are repeats. But if we can't remember them and they're new to you…. As always, you're invited to substitute the hair hue of your choice:
"A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'"
* * *
"A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!'
"‘NO!' the blonde yelled back, ‘IT'S A SCARF!'"
* * *
"A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!'
"The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!'
"The blonde said, ‘So what? Blondes are going to be the first on the sun!'
"The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
"To which the blonde replied, ‘We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'"
* * *
"A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is the vacuum on or off?'"
* * *
"A woman was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
"‘HELLLOOOOOOO!' answered the blonde. ‘They're watch dogs.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes… The easily offended might want to skip this report from the front lines of the gender wars, submitted by Ned Ludd:
Thanks to Biffy for these "10 pieces of advice to be passed on to your mom, your daughters or granddaughters, nieces, aunts, girlfriends, etc." Ladies, share away:
"I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
"All the while, my wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, ‘You need a piece of tail!'
"I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'"
- "Don't imagine you can change a man — unless he's in diapers.
- "What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- "If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
- "Go for the younger man. You might as well; they never mature anyway.
- "Men are all the same — they just have different faces so we can tell them apart.
- "Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- "Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- "The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
- "If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
- "Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his."
Annals of inebriation… New correspondent R1dork recalls a classic moment from television's greatest bar:
"No one can explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on ‘Cheers.' One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:
"‘Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keep improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"‘In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
"‘That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'"
Annals of medicine… Another new correspondent, Dick-in-a-Box, passed along this tale from the doctor's office:
"The older gentleman was experiencing some new symptoms, so his wife made sure he went to the doctor by going with him. After a preliminary check, the doc sat them down opposite him at his desk. While still facing them, he said, ‘Here's what I need from you, sir,' and then the doctor lowered his voice and dropped his head and began to write while talking. Unheard by the man, he went on to say, ‘I need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample.'
"When the doc had stopped mumbling, the man turned to his wife and asked, ‘What did he say he wanted?'
"She sort of shook her head and said, ‘I think he wants your underwear.'"
Join Dork and Dick and become a Desert Diary contributor! Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes and witty words of wisdom to email@example.com.
You're only as old as you feel… While we're on the subject of aging, here are some deep thoughts courtesy of the Santa Claran:
"Statistics show that at the age of 70, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
"Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
"Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
"A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
"Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
"You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
"At my age, ‘getting a little action' means I don't need to take a laxative.
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
"The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
"You're getting old when ‘getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot."