Ethnic Excess! Gender Jokes!
Plus driving to Toronto and digging into government.
Equal-opportunity offenders... Lacking any good blonde jokes this month, we are forced to resort to ethnic humor, which we trust is gentle enough in spirit not to seriously offend. First, the Scandinavians get theirs from GeraldH:
"Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth vhen he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room and when he got there the Norskie doctor looked at Ole and said, 'Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.'
"Ole said, 'I haven't got da finkers.'
"'Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?' the doctor said. 'Lordy, it's 2013 and I've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?'
"Ole replied, 'How vas I suppose to pick dem up?'"
Then there are these two grandparenting tales from Shanty Shaker:
"A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: 'You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push third floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?'
"'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?'
"'What, you're coming empty handed?'"
"An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, 'Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
"'But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?'
"'You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, "Times up!"?'"
Losing the battle of the sexes... In case we've missed any targets, we now move on to the gender wars, with zingers for both men and women. First this from CharlesC:
"Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
"The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
"The child thought about this for a moment, then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'"
Then these two from the Silver City Greek:
"'Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?' the woman asked her husband.
"'No,' said her husband.
"She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill. He took the crumpled bill from her, and smiled approvingly.
"'Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?' she then asked her husband.
"'Uh, no, I haven't.'
"She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the crumpled bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"'Now,' she said, 'have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?'
'No way,' he said, obviously becoming even more excited.
"'Well, go look in the garage.'"
"When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
"Soon, the women were gone to St. Peter, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, but in the line for those who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
"God said to the long line, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.'
"God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
"The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'"
Whatever your gender, ethnicity or hair color, your jokes are welcome at Desert Diary. Email email@example.com.
Hot enough for you?... With the hottest weather well behind us now, we can share this account passed along by Ned Ludd without (we hope) karmic blowback:
"May 30: Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
"June 14: Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
"June 30: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
"July 10: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
"July 15: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
"July 20: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like kibbles and crap. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
"July 25: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
"July 30: Been sleeping outside on the patio for three nights now — $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
"August 4: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
"August 8: If another wise-ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!
"August 9: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
"August 10: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do crap for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
"August 14: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 120 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew out the damn windshield of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes."