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Beer Wishes and Blondes

Plus dead penguins, air-traffic control tales and daffy-nitions.



The pluck of the Irish... In sharing this first tale, we're sure that contributor Yerby would be the first to caution that the Irish don't drink any more than anybody else:

"Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

"To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could deliver only one wish, not the standard three.

"Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, 'Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!'

"The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

"Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

"After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 'Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!'"


Corporal pun-ishment... This lesson in Antarctic biology comes to us courtesy of CharlesC:

"Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!

"It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird that lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

"If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"'Freeze a jolly good fellow.

"'Freeze a jolly good fellow....'"


The unfriendly skies... Being a bit dated (we still fondly remember TWA and Pan Am!) doesn't detract from our enjoyment of these supposedly actual air-traffic exchanges sent in by Old Grumps — nor does the time lag make us any more eager to fly after reading these!

"Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, six miles!'

"Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'"


= = =


"Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.'

"TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

"Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'"


= = =


"From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm (bleep)ing bored!'

"Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'

"Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was (bleep)ing bored, not (bleep)ing stupid!'"


= = =


"A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'"


= = =


"A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

"Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'

"Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer, you must speak in English.'

"Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'

"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'"


= = =


"The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

"Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'

"Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

"The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

"Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

"Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'

"Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'

"Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark — and I didn't land.'"


Losing the battle of the sexes... Read to the end and you'll see why this one from GeraldH landed in this category:

"An 81-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

"She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

"The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

"She replied, 'Six.'

"The judge said, 'Then I'll give you six days in jail.'

"Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'

"The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'"



Then there's this one from GeeRichard, a fresh take on a familiar yarn:

"A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

"The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and 'kick it up a notch.'

"The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point. They decided to try for 50%; the husband continued to feel quite well.

"Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

"The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

"When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch."


Daffy-nitions... Got to love these punny definitions, passed along by Egdirble (you may want to read them out loud):

"ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

"AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.

"BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

"BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

"CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

"COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

"ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

"EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

"HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

"LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

"PARADOX: Two physicians.

"PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

"POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

"RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

"RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

"SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

"SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.


Persons of the blonde persuasion... As always, you may feel free to substitute the hair hue of your choice in this funny from The Santa Claran:

"A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

"The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

"The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

"To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

"'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the widow says.

"'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"'So I just switched the heads.'"


Speaking of hair-color changes, there's this from Ned Ludd:

"A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed. Once she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

"After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought they were adorable. She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?'

"The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

"The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, '157.'

"The farmer was amazed — she was right! So the blonde (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

"Before she left, however, the farmer ran up to her and said, 'If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?'"




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