Special Sin-Packed Edition!
Boozing, stealing, body parts, bears and worse —
you've been warned.
Beware of bearing gifts… These first two jokes are alike only in that we absolutely didn't see the punch line coming in either one. First, from The Santa Claran:
"Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
"The first said, 'You know I had a big house built for Mama.'
"The second said, 'And I had a large theater built in the house.'
"The third said, 'And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.'
"The fourth said, 'You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took 10 preachers almost eight years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.'
"The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her thank-you notes. She wrote: 'Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.'
"And: 'Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered. So I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.'
"And: 'Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.'
"And finally: 'Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.'"
Annals of inebriation… Then there's this from Ned Ludd, which the easily offended might want to skip:
"A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least $10,000 in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
"'Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand-new Lexus.'
"The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
"'You gotta pay first,' says the bartender, 'those are the rules.' So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10, which he stuffs into the jar.
"'Okay,' says the bartender, 'here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.'
"The man is stunned! 'I know I paid my $10 — but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!'
"'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
"As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?!' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn't make a face, and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
"Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!
"Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
"He drunkenly says, 'Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'"
Elementary, my dear… New correspondent Digital Wiz in Silver City sends along this tale of deduction in the great outdoors:
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend: 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
"'I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,' replies Watson.
"'And what do you deduce from that?'
"Watson ponders for a minute. 'Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a fine day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?'
"Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!' he says. 'Someone has stolen our tent!'"
Field and stream… More from the great outdoors, this from Yerby — and definitely not for those offended by the earlier joke from Ned Ludd:
"Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
"After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
"Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you.'
"Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.
"Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
"The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'"
Pranks for the memories… Thank goodness, the only sins in this one from Farmor the Swedish Grandma are stealing and lying:
"Two boys, Frankie and Fred, entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Fred stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, he said to Frankie, 'Man, I'm the best thief. I stole three chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that.'
"Frankie replied: 'You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing.' So they went to the counter and Frankie said to the shopkeeper, 'Do you want to see magic?'
"The shopkeeper said that he would. Frankie continued, 'Give me one chocolate bar.' The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. Frankie asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for a third, and finished that one, too.
"The shopkeeper asked: 'But where's the magic?'
"Frankie replied: 'Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate!'"
Annals of medicine… Since we've already offended all our sensitive readers, we might as well get this one out of the way, too. Blame Old Grumps:
"A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?'
"Embarrassed, the young female nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
"He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?'
"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, gently grasps his privates, looks very closely and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.'
"The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are… my… test… results… back?'"