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Shifting Gears & Snoring Solutions

Plus kids saying the darnedest things, definitions that oughta be and more reader tales.

 

Persons of the blonde persuasion… We start this month's Diary with a traditional favorite category, thanks to The Santa Claran. And as is traditionally the case, you are invited to substitute the hair hue of your choice:

"Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician to her.

"The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, ‘Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?'

"Full of anger, the blonde replies, ‘You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid, you know! Of course I am using the right gears! I use D during the day and N at night.'"

 

 

Paging Major Disaster… Then there's this tale of woe passed along by GeeRichard:

"The family was crouched on their roof as swirling flood waters lapped at the attic eaves of their two-story home. In the distance they saw a motorboat approach and as the open craft approached them they could see a man standing in the bow, yelling their way. ‘We can't hear what you're saying!' the father yelled back.

"This scenario was repeated several times until the boat-man's voice finally came through. ‘We're from the Red Cross,' he yelled. ‘We're from the Red Cross!'

"The father hollered back, ‘I gave at the office.'"

 

 

Have you given to Desert Diary lately? Dig deep and send us your favorite jokes, anecdotes and life lessons. Email diary@desertexposure.com.

 

 

Kids say the darnedest things… This youthful biology lesson was sent our way by Farmor the Swedish Grandma. Here are some of those darnedest things kids say about living things:

"When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

"The body consists of three parts — the branium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u.

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on top and you sit on the bottom."

 

 

 

Along the same lines, there's this yarn from the Silver City Greek:

"An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, ‘Grandpa, what is couple sex?'

"The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of adults making love.

"When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, ‘Why did you ask this question, honey?'

"The little girl replied, ‘Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.'"

 

 

Where men are men… This tale of hunting, manly men and the agony of snoring was shared by Shanty Shaker:

"All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Denny, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

"The first guy slept with Denny and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you?'

"He said, ‘Denny snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

"The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

"He said, ‘Man, that Denny shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

"The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ‘Good morning!' he said.

"They couldn't believe it. They said, ‘Man, what happened?'

"He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Denny into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Denny sat up and watched me all night.'"

 

 

Losing the battle of the sexes… Although Pop Hayes submitted this dispatch from the front lines of the gender wars, the first-person here is obviously female, as you'll see:

"He said to me, ‘I don't know why you wear a bra — you've got nothing to put in it.' I said to him, ‘You wear pants, don't you?'

"He said to me, ‘Shall we try swapping positions tonight?' I said to him, ‘That's a good idea. You stand by the stove and sink while I sit on the sofa.'

"He said to me, ‘What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?' I said to him, ‘Turn sideways and look in the mirror!'

"He said to me, ‘How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?' I said to him, ‘I don't know; it's never happened.'

"He said to me, ‘Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?' I said to him, ‘They already have boyfriends.'

"He said to me, ‘What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?' I said to him, ‘A widow.'

"He said to me, ‘Why are married women heavier than single women?' I said to him, ‘Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.'"

 

 

 


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