Gender Wars & Senior Extravaganza!
Who will win the battle of the sexes? Sorry, we forgot…
Love is in the air… We begin an edition in which the often-bumpy relationship between men and women seems to be a recurring theme with this yarn from The Santa Claran:
"A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
"Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed they quit holding hands. The man began slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
"Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, ‘Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
"The woman calmly looked up at her and said, ‘No, he didn't. He just walked in the door.'"
You're only as old as you feel, round one… Similarly, this month's Diary seems to have an excess of riches revolving around the theme of aging. Start with this submission from CharlesC:
"Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
"My wild oats have turned into prunes and All-Bran.
"I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
"Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
"Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
"If all is not lost, where is it?
"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
"Some days, you're the dog; some days, you're the hydrant.
"I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
"Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
"Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
"The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
"If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
"When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
"It's not hard to meet expenses — they're everywhere.
"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.… I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
"Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded."
Then there's this from GeraldH:
"No one believes seniors; everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, ‘I love you, Sally.'
"On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money — $50,000!
"Andy said, ‘We've got to give it back.'
"Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
"The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door: ‘Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
"Sally said, ‘No'.
"Andy said, ‘She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
"Sally said, ‘Don't believe him — he's getting senile.'
"The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, ‘Tell us the story from the beginning.'
"Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...'
"The first police officer turned to his partner and said, ‘We're outta here!'"
Whether about getting older, falling in or out of love, or some other topic that tickles your funny bone, share the laughter with Desert Diary by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Kids say the darnedest things… Youth must be served, too, so here's a yarn from Shanty Shaker:
"The children were gathered on the front pew one Sunday morning for the Children's Sermon. The minister asked, ‘Does anyone know what the resurrection is?'
"One little boy blurted out, ‘I'm not quite sure but I do know that if you have a resurrection that lasts longer than four hours, you have to see a doctor.'
"It took about 10 minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue with the worship service."
Losing the battle of the sexes… Here's another dispatch from the gender wars, as promised, from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes on the train. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"‘Hi, sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!'
"Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, leaned over and said into the phone, ‘Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed.'
"Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer."
And another, courtesy of Aletteration:
"In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: ‘There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
"Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
"She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, ‘Will I be acquitted?'