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Bus & Taxi Drivers, Golfers & Dogs

Plus Sunday school sayings and laws of the universe.

 

Annals of inebriation... Let us be clear that in sharing this funny from The Santa Claran, we are in no way minimizing the seriousness of drinking and driving, a problem New Mexico seems to suffer in abundance. In any case, it seems the jokester here has learned a lesson:

"I'd like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the law on our way home from the various social events over the years.

"Last week, I went to the Buffalo with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well that I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I called Corre Caminos to take me home.

"Sure enough, as luck would have it, I came to a police roadblock about a mile from my house, but because it was a Corre Caminos bus, they waved it past.

"I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, because I've never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it."

 

 

Losing the battle of the sexes... This academic edition of our perennial coverage of the gender wars comes courtesy of GeraldH:

"A guy asked a girl in a library: ‘Do you mind if I sit beside you?' The girl replied with a loud voice: ‘I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!' All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and of course he was embarrassed.

"After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, ‘I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?'

"The guy responded in a loud voice, ‘$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!'

"All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

"The guy whispered in her ear: ‘I study law and I know how to make someone appear guilty.'"

 

 

Then there's this tale from GeeRichard:

"Ben, a long-time Santa Fe taxi driver, is parked at a curb when a beautiful, bare-naked young woman jumps into his cab. His jaw drops when he turns to see her, but he avoids saying anything.

"Grinning back, the obviously drunken dame chides: ‘Whatsamatta, you never seen a woman's body before? Or are you just so overwhelmed by my boobs?'

"Ben shakes his heads and says to her, ‘Naw, I've seen plenty of pretty bodies and boobs. My problem is I'm just wondering where you're gonna pull out the fare if I take you anywhere.'"

 

 

Kids say the darnedest things... After all that sex, drinking and sin, it's time for a visit to Sunday school, with thanks to Deborah:

"The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!'"

 

• • •

 

"A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

"A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I'd throw up.'"

 

• • •

"A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

"‘No,' replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms?'"

 

• • •

"A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

"One child blurted out, ‘Aces!'"

 

• • •

"Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"‘Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

"‘Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

"‘Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'"

 

• • •

"A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible — Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

"Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

"On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

"Isn't that so true?"

 

A good walk spoiled... Just in case you ever need to know, here from Shanty Shaker is "The Polite Irish Way to Call Someone a Bastard":

"A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole of the Dunmurry Golf Club, outside of Belfast, Northern Ireland, when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

"They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, ‘We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five quid a hole?'

"The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but after winning the next few holes agreed to the terms.

"The second guy won the last 12 holes with ease.

"As they were walking off number 18, the second guy was busy counting his 60 quid when he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

"The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest at the nearby St. Anne's Church. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

"The priest said, ‘You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

"The pro said, ‘Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

"The priest said, ‘Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.... and, if you would be so kind as to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

 

 

Our pets, ourselves... One of those "Eureka!" moments, shared by the Silver City Greek:

"It just hit me! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

"He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

"He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

"I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks:

"My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!"

 

Share your own eureka moments, jokes, anecdotes and humorous life lessons at diary@desertexposure.com.

 

 

 

Pondering the imponderables... Some laws of the universe that no doubt will seem all too familiar from your own personal experience, courtesy of Yerby:

"Law of Mechanical Repair — After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

"Law of Gravity — Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

"Law of Probability — The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

"Law of Random Numbers — If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal — and someone always answers.

"Variation Law — If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time.)

"Law of the Bath — When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

"Law of Close Encounters — The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

"Law of the Result — When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!

"Law of Biomechanics — The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

"Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena — At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk."

 

You're only as old as you feel... A tale of the joys of aging, sent our way by CharlesC:

"A rather elderly gentleman, in his mid-80s, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

"Seated at the bar is a fine-looking lady in her mid-70s. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, ‘So tell me, Good Looking, do I come here often?'"

 

Wisdom of the ages... Writes Ned Ludd, "Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip." Indeed we will!

"In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, ‘Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?'

"‘Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. ‘Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

"‘Triple Filter?' asked the acquaintance.

"‘That's right,' Socrates continued. ‘Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

"‘No,' the man said. ‘Actually, I just heard about it.'

"‘All right,' said Socrates. ‘So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?'

"‘No, on the contrary...'

"‘So,' Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?'

"The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, ‘You may still pass the test, though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?'

"‘No, not exactly.'

"‘Well,' concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?'

"The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

"It also explains why Socrates never found out that his wife was cheating on him with Diogenes."

 

 

Send your favorite anecdotes, jokes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email diary@desertexposure.com. The best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.

 

Postcards from the edge...Readers continue to respond to our invitation to submit photos of themselves on vacation holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." First, here are Victor and Arlene Trujillo of Deming, posing with their favorite publication in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

 

postcard 1

 

Back in this hemisphere, here is Anthony Romero of Santa Clara at Point of the Bears in Lake Payette, McCall, Idaho. He writes, "It's one of the most scenic spots in the state of Idaho. I spent Thanksgiving in McCall with Frankie and Nancy Romero and family, Robbie and Maria."

 

postcard 2

 

Finally, we share this photo of Marie Southworth from Las Cruces, on vacation at Ross Castle in Killarney, Ireland, who writes: "Read your newspaper every month and have for years. Thank you for such a great publication."

 

postcard 3

 

 

Thank YOU and all the other readers who continue to snap photos of themselves all over the world (literally!) holding Desert Exposure. (If you've sent yours in and haven't seen it in print yet, don't worry, we'll get to it!) Send your pictures to PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or diary@desertexposure.com.

 




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