Guys Special: Gender Wars and Blond Men
Plus convents and covens, school stories and senior moments.
Holy water… Yes, we do have yet another joke involving nuns that we didn't use last month in our persons-of-the-cloth extravaganza. So we begin with this from GeraldH:
Share your own stories — nun but the best, please! — with Desert Diary at firstname.lastname@example.org.
"In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
"One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
"Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
"As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. 'Mother,' the nuns asked earnestly, 'Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.'
"The aged nun raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: 'DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW!'"
Losing the battle of the sexes… And now, three stories of the gender wars from the male perspective. (Ladies, just wait for the last one.) First, this tender love story from the Silver City Greek, from the season not so long past:
"A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
"When he answered, in a calm voice, the husband said, 'Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?'
"The wife choked up. Holding back tears she said, 'Yes, I happily remember that jewelry store.'
"He said, 'Well, I'm in the Hooters bar next door to it.'"
Next, here's a fond fairy tale — with, of course, a happy ending — sent our way by CharlesC:
"Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 'Will you marry me?' The Princess said, 'NO!'
"And the Prince lived happily ever after: He rode motorcycles, chased women, hunted, fished and raced cars. He went to naked bars and dated women half his age, drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard a complaint, never paid child support or alimony. He ignored his yard, shot guns and ate Spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work. He had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end."
But then there's this cautionary tale, guys, from the Packrat Out Back:
"Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone:
"1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
"2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
"3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust, and who doesn't lie to you.
"4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
"5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me."
Capital pun-ishment… While we're on the subject of fairy tales, as we were just a joke or two ago, here's another love story from The Santa Claran, with a different kind of kick:
"There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them. Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. 'Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you,' they instructed. Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed.
"On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.
"The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.
"Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. 'I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired.'
"'No problem, dearie,' said one of the old ladies. 'After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best.'"
Kids say the darnedest things… More tales from school, courtesy of Farmor the Swedish Grandma:
"Teacher: 'Glen, why do you always get so dirty?'
"Glen: 'Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.'
"Teacher: 'Millie, give me a sentence starting with I.'
"Millie: 'I is…'
"Teacher: 'No, Millie. Always say, I am.'
"Millie: 'All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'"
"Teacher: 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'
"Louis: 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'"
"Teacher: 'Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?'
"Simon: 'No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.'"
"Teacher: 'Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?'
"Clyde: 'No, sir. It's the same dog.'"
"Teacher: 'Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?'
"Harold: 'A teacher.'"
In the same spirit of youthful enthusiasm, we also share this yarn from Old Grumps:
"A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl. 'Hi,' said the little girl.
"'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
"'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.
"'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
"'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you?'
"'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
"They discovered that they were both going the same way, so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
"'My mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' said the little boy.
"'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
"'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
"So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
"'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a METHODIST and a BAPTIST!'"
You're only as old as you feel… On the other end of the age spectrum, here's this report from Herb:
"I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
"So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!"
And this quickie from GeeRichard:
"Lord, I pray, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
"The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
"And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Persons of the blonde persuasion… It would hardly be Desert Diary without some blonde jokes — and, finally, Shanty Shaker supplies us with some tales about blond MEN. Nonetheless, as always, readers are invited to substitute the hair hue (or lack thereof) of their choice:
It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there… Finally, in what we promise will be the last word on this subject (at least until we get another joke about it), here's this from Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley:
"A friend told the blond man: 'Christmas is on a Friday this year.' The blond man then said, 'Let's hope it's not the 13th.'"
"Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: 'What if one explodes before we get there?' The other says: 'We'll lie and say we only found two.'"
"A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: 'Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.' To which the blond man replied: 'Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.'"
"A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: 'Did you find the shampoo?' He answers, 'Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.'"
"A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 'I think it's got epilepsy,' he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, 'It seems calm enough to me.' The blonde man says, 'Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.'"
"A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope, 'DO NOT BEND.' He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up."
"A blond man shouts frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!' 'Is this her first child?' asks the doctor. 'No!' the blond shouts. 'This is her husband!'"
"A blond man is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, 'That's your air freshener swinging about!'"
"A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says, 'Why don't you put an ad in the paper?' He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 'What did you put in the paper?' his wife asks. He replies, 'Here, boy!'"
"A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. 'Just WHAT are you doing?' he asks. 'Hanging myself,' the blond replies. 'It should be around your neck,' says the guard. 'I tried that,' the blond replies, 'but then I couldn't breathe.'"
With the apocalypse a bust, you no longer have an excuse for procrastinating! Send your favorite anecdotes, jokes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or email email@example.com. The best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.
"Mayan guy: 'Wanna get a beer?'
"Other Mayan guy: 'I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it, it won't be the end of the world.'"
Postcards from the edge… Readers continue to respond to our invitation to submit photos of themselves on vacation holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." First, here is Janet Twineham, who writes, "I recently traveled to Namibia, a very diverse country in southwest Africa, which boasts the highest sand dunes in the world as well as some of the best game viewing in Africa. As you can see from the photo, it is common for the morning fog to roll in off the coast, as it did just before my climb up the 300-foot dune in the background."
Postcards from the edge… Next, here's Antje Scheumann, who tells us, "I lived out in the Burros near Silver City some years ago. This year I was for the first time back and still think Silver is the most wonderful town in the world! Small, nice people, slow pace, relaxed, tolerant, lot of culture and… Desert Exposure!
"I took some copies with me to Hamburg, Germany, and made it public with the town's most famous landmarks. I took photos on the banks of the river Alster, which flows in two something-like-lakes through downtown. Very well known is also the city hall, shown here. Hopefully I'll be back in Silver City in 2013."
Whether you're going to Africa or Albuquerque, snap a picture of yourself holding Desert Exposure and send it to PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or firstname.lastname@example.org.