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Sports, Seniors and So Forth

Plus nuns, priests and bodily functions, not necessarily all together.

 

Sister act... Beginning an installment of Desert Diary that seems to have an unusual concentration of religious folks, sports, senior citizens and/or bodily functions — sometimes all in the same yarn — here's this from GeraldH:

"Three nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because the nuns' habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.'

"Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, 'I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.'

"The third guy yelled, 'I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.'

"The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, 'Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!'"

 

The sporting life... We told you there would be more sports, but that's not all in this yarn from CharlesC:

"At one point during a game, the coach called one of his nine-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

"The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.

"'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a "pecker-head." Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded again.

"The coach continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass," is it?'

"Again, the little boy nodded.

"'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'"

 

A good walk spoiled... Still in the realm of sports, there's this from The Santa Claran:

"A golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a beautiful real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and yelled over to him: 'Hey, are you okay? What's your name?'

"'Willis,' he replied weakly.

"'Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later.'

"'That's mighty nice of you,' Willis answered, 'but I don't think my wife would like it.'

"'Aw, come on,' Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

"'Well, okay,' Willis finally agreed, and added, 'but my wife won't like it.'

"After a hearty drink and some up-close driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. 'I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.'

"'Don't be foolish!' Elizabeth said with a smile. 'She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?'

"'Under the cart!' he answered."

 

Send your tales of sports, senior citizens, sisters and more to diary@desertexposure.com.

 

 

Kids say the darnedest things... Now, for a change of pace, here's Farmor the Swedish Grandma with some brief tales of youngsters and what comes out of their mouths in the classroom:

"Teacher: 'Why are you late?'

"Student: 'Class started before I got here.'"

 

"Teacher: 'John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?'

"John: 'You told me to do it without using tables.'"

 

"Teacher: 'Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?'

"Glenn: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

"Teacher: 'No, that's wrong.'

"Glenn: 'Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.'"

 

"Teacher: 'Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?'

"Donald: 'H I J K L M N O.'

"Teacher: 'What are you talking about?'

"Donald: 'Yesterday you said it's H to O.'

 

"Teacher: 'Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have 10 years ago.'

"Winnie: 'Me!'"

 

It's a dog's life... Apparently romance and wooing are challenging for canines, too, at least according to this tale from Wes the Sooner:

"Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing female poodle. The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

"Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

"The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

"'Oh, how childish,' says the poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.' She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, 'How well can you do?'

"'Um, I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the golden retriever.

"'My, my,' says the poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence.' She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

"The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and lab and says, 'Liver alone, cheese mine!'"

 

You're only as old as you feel... Making an overdue return to these pages is Toni in the Vet's Office, with this senior-citizen funny not, perhaps, for the easily offended:

"The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

"After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

"A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew:

"'Bastards won't let me fart.'"

 

 

Hot around the collar... We promised more of men and women of the cloth, and here is the Silver City Greek to make good on that vow:

"A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here,' the priest began. 'I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his own sister. I was appalled.

"'But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

"Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:

"'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'"


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