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Passwords, Puns and iPads

Plus golf as a laughing matter and a surprising write-in candidate.

 

You're only as old as you feel… There's young love, and then there's this yarn from The Packrat Out Back:

"Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

"The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'

"Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

"Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

"Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

"Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

"Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism?'

"Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

"Jacob: 'How about suppositories?'

"Pharmacist: 'You bet!'

"Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?'

"Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

"Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, pills for Parkinson's disease?'

"Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

"Jacob: 'Everything for heartburn and indigestion?'

"Pharmacist: 'We sure do.'

"Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?'

"Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

"Jacob: 'Adult diapers?'

"Pharmacist: 'Sure.'

"Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our bridal registry.'"

 

In a similar vein of sorts comes this one from Fran in Deming:

"An old couple is sitting in the swing on the porch, rocking back and forth, back and forth. Pa reaches over, takes hold of Ma's hand, and says, 'Ma, whatever happened to our sexual relations?'

"Ma keeps rocking, staring out into space.

"Finally, Ma turns to Pa and says, 'You know, I don't think we got a Christmas card from them this year.'"

 

Annals of technology… Given that we grew up with "dead tree editions," we of course loved this one from PA Charlie:

"I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night. I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

"I can tell you, that dang fly never knew what hit him."

 

Once your iPad gets repaired, you can use it to email a favorite joke to diary@desertexposure.com!

 

 

Archives of inebriation… It's not for the easily offended or persons in a certain profession, but we couldn't resist passing along this chuckle from Old Grumps:

"One night at a bar, a conventioneer sits down next to an attractive women and orders a drink.

"The woman, apparently having already downed a few drinks, turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, 'Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on. It doesn't matter to me. I just love it!'

"Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, 'No kidding! I'm in banking, too!'"

 

A good walk spoiled… Not one but two golf jokes. The first, from GeraldH, picks up on the bar theme from the previous entry:

"Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

"Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

"Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now.'

"Stevie: 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

"Incredulous, Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

"Stevie: 'Yes, I've been playing for years.'

"Tiger: 'But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

"Stevie: 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

"'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.

"'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

"Tiger: 'What's your handicap?'

"Stevie: 'Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer.'

"Woods, even more incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

"Stevie: 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?'

"Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that. OK, I'm game — $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

"Stevie says, 'Pick a night.'"



 

Now we're all teed up for this tale from the Santa Claran:

"A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.

"Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

"With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

"All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

"The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

"The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

"After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole, closest to the pin.

"The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

"The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

"Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

"For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

"When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about six inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

"The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

"The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'"

 

 


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