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From Blame to Peace

How to get out of the cycle of "someone done me wrong."

by Gaye Rock

 

 

If you truly want to get on with your life, stop looking for occasions to be offended. This way, you can eliminate the step of forgiveness altogether. If you are a person who refuses to be offended by anyone, anything or any circumstance, then you'll begin to encounter peace. Your resentments send Spirit right out of your life, while you're busy being offended. By forgiving, you are making room for Spirit. Remember: The opposite of anger is peace. Your goal is not to be right; it is to be peaceful.

Stop judging and blaming — simply become an observer. Many people blame others for their own weaknesses, using any and all excuses at hand as a rationale to return to their self-defeating ways. Admit your mistakes, as much as you notice others' mistakes. Removing the blame means never assigning responsibility to anyone for what you are experiencing. It means being willing to say, "I am not sure why I feel this way, why I have this illness, why I have been victimized, etc., but I AM willing to say that I own it."

Why do this? If you take responsibility for HAVING it, then at least you have a chance to also take responsibility for HEALING from it. If you wait for the other person to take responsibility for it, you could be waiting forever. So blame has to go for healing to occur.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, "If you're going to pursue revenge, you'd better dig two graves." Your resentments will destroy you, on several levels. Rather, work at what you are FOR rather than at what you are AGAINST.

Removing the low energies of resentment and revenge from your life completely is perhaps the most healing thing you can do. They represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you. If you can release them, you will experience more peace. The sense of inner peace will free you from the resentment, and you can live contentedly. Practicing forgiveness is far more empowering than sitting around feeling wronged. You relieve yourself of your past. After all, the offense is not against you, it's between the offender and God. It's their karma — their burden — not yours.

Make your goal peace, as opposed to "being right." Negative thoughts between you and another person keep you in an ever-growing relationship with that person. With forgiveness, even if you are the one you have to forgive, all the negativity you have pouring your own way will cease to flow.

It's your ego that demands that the world and all the people in it should be as YOU think they should be. You must be willing to set down your emotional baggage. Can you imagine your life without that burden? Transform your personal history! When your personal history changes (and by that I mean your perspective on your personal history), you drop your own labels and limitations. You are not what you've done, what you've been, how others have taught you, or what has been done to you. You are an actor in your own life play, and it's time now to move on to the next act. Let the past be in the past. In this way, you will achieve freedom, because you will cease to be hindered in your capacity to love and be loved.

 

 

Choosing Forgiveness

So what practical steps can we take to achieve forgiveness? The first step is to admit you're angry or hurt. Say out loud, "I am angry!" or "I am hurt!" Second, identify the source of your anger or hurt. Say out loud, "I am angry about…." Next, reflect on the facts, how you've reacted, and how the combination has affected your life. Then, deal with it quickly. Acknowledge your unforgiving spirit toward the other person, or it festers and becomes exaggerated.

Commit to the process of change and decide to forgive. Don't wait until you "feel like it." Ask Spirit to touch your heart with the capacity to forgive. Let the wound healing follow forgiveness, not the other way around.

Thank Spirit for bringing it to your attention, which brings in an attitude of gratitude. Express your thanks to Spirit for forgiving YOU in the past. If Spirit has allowed you to be hurt, He will bring about good from your suffering, if you allow it. Take your eyes off the offender and put them on Spirit and love. Choose forgiveness! It is an active choice.

Whom should you forgive? Ah, that's a loaded question, but it really has a simple answer: Everyone. Yourself, the person who hurt you badly long ago, and the stranger who stepped on your toe at the grocery store an hour ago. Forgive quickly, so no resentment can occur (and therefore, no damage to your emotions, spirit, physical body or energy system). Forgive everyone in-between. If you have to make a list, do it. Forgive freely.

Depend on Spirit to help you forgive; don't try to accomplish it on your own. In order to forgive someone, you have to ask Spirit for that person's happiness and welfare. You must cancel the debt. Don't spend your life paying and collecting debts. Debts are sorted out upstairs, not down here. The people who hurt you CAN'T pay you, anyhow! And if you did the hurting, you can't pay those people.

Bless them and do not curse them. In Greek, the word for "bless" means "to speak well of" and "curse" means "to speak evil of." You cannot walk in forgiveness and be a gossip. You can't get over it if you continue to talk about it, either.

Don't just take my word for it — here are some examples from differing religions:

Buddhist text: "If you do not practice compassion toward your enemy, then toward whom can you practice it?"

Judaism: The Talmud says to pray for your enemies. "If a man has received an injury, then even if the wrongdoer has not asked his forgiveness, the receiver of the injury must nevertheless ask God to show the wrongdoer compassion."

Dalai Lama: "My true religion is kindness. The sun shines for all, and makes no discrimination. This is a wonderful metaphor for compassion. It gives you a sense of impartiality and all-embracing nature."

 

 

Replace Resentment with Love

Remove the venom by making a conscious decision to let go of resentments, one by one, or all at once. Challenge your list of "shoulds": he should have done this, he should not have done that….

Love requires quiet reflection and direction from Spirit. You must be quiet in order to hear that still, small voice. It's listening time: "Spirit, show me how to let go of this anger/resentment/bitterness/offense." Spirit will take your pain and turn it into love and peace, which in turn leads to strength. (By the way, nowhere in Christian scripture does He justify an unforgiving spirit.)

Acknowledge that suffering is part of the human experience — the learning experience. The trick is to prevail in spite of it! It's how you choose to respond to an offense (or to suffering) that makes the difference.

Are you going to be forgiving or unforgiving? If you are wise, you will be forgiving, whether you feel like it or not. Let the angry thought go in one ear and out the other. Acknowledge each harmful thought and release it. Try this affirmation: "The only person who has the power to make me sick or well is myself. All others are powerless over me."

Here are some ways to help yourself, if you're stuck:

  • Write it down in a journal.

  • Pray/meditate, asking for help and guidance. Use guided meditation if you are new to meditation.

  • Talk with a spiritual leader or psychologist or unbiased friend.

  • Reflect on times you have hurt others.

Seeking Reconciliation

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation with the person who has hurt you? NO! It might, for one thing, be impossible if the offender has died, or is unwilling to communicate with you. But forgiveness does cut the negative-energy tie between you. It might not even be appropriate to reconcile, such as in the case of an attack or assault. But even in these cases, forgiveness is still possible, even if reconciliation isn't. The pain may not be gone — you can forgive and still have pain from a wound, whether it be physical or emotional. Damage and wounds take time to repair. Forgiving doesn't mean resuming a relationship with the one who has hurt you. Sometimes you need to protect yourself: "I release you, but that doesn't mean I need to, or even want to, hang out with you."

 

 

 

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