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  D e s e r t   E x p o s u r e  May 2011


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Baggage Handling, Cutting Loose and Popsicle Time

Plus why God made dogs and cats, and our trip to Costa Rica.

The spirit of the back stairs… Sometimes snappy rejoinders don't require words, as evidenced in this yarn submitted by Karamark:

"A woman was waiting in line at the ticket counter at an international airport. The man ahead of her was becoming increasingly rude to the young lady behind the desk. He raised his voice and called her names; everything wrong was her fault. The young woman took this all in stride, never lost her cool and was unfailingly polite. Finally, the man stormed off. The woman in line approached the counter and complimented the young woman's ability to keep her composure despite such abuse. 'Oh, it's fine,' she replied, 'He's going to Cleveland and his bags are going to Tokyo.'"



Losing the battle of the sexes… This dispatch from the front lines of the gender wars comes courtesy of CharlesC:

"He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife's 'What time will you be home?' question with 'Probably around 1:30. I'll have lunch at the club.'

"But 1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7 p.m. he rolled in the driveway, left his clubs in the garage, presented his wife with a pizza, and began the apologetic story:

"'We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said, "There's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom. You can clean up a bit." I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.'

"His wife looked him right in the eye and said, 'Don't BS me—you played 36 holes, didn't you?'"



Our pets, ourselves… This updating of the goings-on after the Garden of Eden arrived from (who else?) Toni in the Vet's Office. As cat owners, we couldn't help nodding—so true, so true:

"Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

"And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

"And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

"And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

"After a while, an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

"And so God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. When Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. Adam and Eve learned humility, and they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

"And Cat… didn't give a crap one way or the other."


Send your own Bible updates, pet palaver and favorite jokes to diary@desertexposure.com


The sound and the fury… We never thought we'd have a whole category for jokes about, well, passing gas, but here we are. And here's the first one, a return engagement by CharlesC:

"A woman goes to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

"He says, 'Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

"She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

"He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.'

"She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"'Oh, that sounds like a credit card,' the blind clerk says.

"She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around!

"The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50, please.'

"The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?'

"He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'"

 

Then there's this from The Pack Rat Out Back:

"A pilot and his co-pilot were flying their airline's 747 passenger jet into Denver, which was their home base. As they were cruising along, the co-pilot mentioned to the pilot that he had been talking with one of the maintenance men at the airport they had just left. The co-pilot continued, 'I absolutely can't believe what he told me! He said that his crew had discovered that sipping just a wee bit of jet fuel would give them the same high as if they had gotten drunk, but with no hangover afterwards!'

"The pilot had never heard of such a thing. Therefore, the two of them decided that once they landed in Denver for the night, they would check out this unbelievable story for themselves. Sure enough, the two pilots obtained a small amount of jet fuel at the end of their shift, and each drank a little before they went home. Neither one was very sober as they parted.

"Early the next morning, the pilot anxiously called his co-pilot at home to inquire if he was OK, to which the co-pilot replied that he felt just fine, thank you, no hangover whatsoever.

"'Thank goodness!' exclaimed the pilot. 'Whatever you do, DO NOT PASS GAS. I farted in bed this morning, and am now calling you from Miami!'"



Boys will be boys… Short but sweet, this one's from the Silver City Greek:

 

"Proof that you can never underestimate the innovativeness of American farm boys:

At a high school in Montana, a group of boy students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

"School administrators spent most of the day looking for number 3."



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