D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
January 2010
Turning the Other Cheek
7 strategies for putting the golden rule to work in relationships.
By Joanie Connors
If the key to preserving relationships is to turn the other cheek and not respond negatively during bad times, how do we understand and practice that in the real world, with our spouse, family and friends? What steps can we take to change our old habits of defending and retaliating so that we can make peace with the people we love?
Christianity: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Islam: "Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others what you wish for yourself." Judaism: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor." Hinduism: "Do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you." Buddhism: "Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful." Confucianism: "Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself." Taoism: "Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss." Sikhism: "I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all." Baha'i: "Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you." Jainism: "One should treat all creatures in the world as one would like to be treated." Zoroastrianism: "Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself." |
Turning the other cheek means that we take a stand to not do or say things to hurt someone, regardless of what they have done to hurt us. In a relationship, this means responding positively, or at least neutrally to any hurts that our partner causes, whether the harm was intentional or not.
If my spouse (or child or friend) says some harsh words, I respond with compassionate words or say nothing. If they do something rude (like turning on loud music when I am reading), I go into the other room or ask if they need to talk. If they forget my birthday, I expect it was not on purpose and suggest a way to celebrate together.
In psychology, this way of responding is called "accommodation" and it is a key trait found in relationships that last. All relationships have their ups and downs, so accommodation becomes essential to turn back negative reactions during difficult or stressful times. This means to accept some hurt as the cost of loving others, and to strive to find ways to avoid adding more hurt to our lives together.
Causing hurt in relationships is pointless and never accomplishes anything. When someone causes hurt and we hurt them back, it rarely motivates them to stop and usually leads to another hurt. Causing hurt to those we love can become an endless cycle that harms the well-being of both and ultimately leads to loss of trust and commitment.
Golden Rule: The practice of turning the other cheek is rooted in the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," widely credited to Jesus. It turns out that the golden rule was known before Jesus and is an ancient moral teaching that can also be found in almost all of the world's religions.
The golden rule asks us to consider how we would feel if we were walking in the other person's shoes, and respond to them accordingly. Thinking of each other's feelings makes us more considerate of others, and more respectful of their needs and desires.
The golden rule promotes a more compassionate world where we all try to understand and consider the well-being of each other in a deep and holistic way. Applying the golden rule in the relationships in our lives means establishing kindness towards each other as our primary goal.
Practicing kindness doesn't mean we accept abuse or become a doormat; it means we find a way to draw boundaries without hurting. We look at the big picture and consider how to honor us and them through finding a compromise of needs, ultimately considering everyone in our households and communities who might be involved.
Relationship Peace Treaties: Turning the other cheek has the most effect if there is a "relationship peace treaty" established — where both partners have agreed to stop the hurt in order to preserve the relationship. It is hard to keep responding positively in the heat of interactions, so peace treaties provide the greater purpose of doing so for the long-term healing of the relationship.
If both partners are not agreeing to a peace treaty, the one who accommodates may be taken advantage of. It is important to insist, calmly, that this must stop or the relationship won't survive. Working to heal the relationship should not mean that we allow others to take use or abuse us.
Intentions: Sometimes the hurt caused by another was not intentional or was due to a lack of awareness. It is unavoidable that people living together will bump into each other. Generally we do this on minor, mundane levels such as how long one stays in the bathroom, which TV channel is chosen or who has eaten the last of a treasured snack food. These little things can add up to major conflicts as often as the big hurts do, because they can add up to neglect of one partner's needs or overall imbalances in resource use (e.g., one partner/family member usually gets their way, seldom does their share of work or frequently overspends).
Selfishness: Hurt is often rooted in selfishness. We usually hurt others when we're thinking about ourselves and not considering the needs of others. Attending to our own needs is important, but when we're in relationships we must look at the bigger picture of mutual well-being, and find a way to compromise.
It is easy for people with a history of difficult relationships to develop patterns of selfishness, especially if they have had a harsh childhood where they had to push back to survive. If this is the problem, turning this around will take a strong commitment to change, honest feedback and daily listening sessions.
Religious scholar Karen Armstrong says that the only path to peace is to "dethrone ourselves from being the center of our world." Working on our own selfishness is essential to maintain the trust and understanding needed to keep our relationships healthy.
Balancing Needs: Ultimately, turning the other cheek will not work if it does not contribute to balance in our relationships. It is not healthy or realistic to allow imbalance, or to stay in a situation that is rife with negative energy.
Even when we are giving our all to save a relationship, it is important to maintain healthy boundaries to protect our ability to stay centered. Boundaries define what is acceptable for our well-being, and protect our capacity to maintain healthy relationships.
Poorly maintained boundaries are marked by disrespect and/or a continuous inability to meet our needs, and these inevitably hurt us. When we don't take care of ourselves, we can become too impaired to cope with the stresses and demands of relationships.