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About the cover

  D e s e r t   E x p o s u r e   November 2009

Desert Diary

Page: 2

 

You're only as old as you feel. . . While we're on the subject of alcoholic beverages, GeeRichard writes:

"A fellow I met the other day said, 'I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do now that you're retired?" Well, I am fortunate to have a chemical-engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch and margaritas into urine.

"'And I'm pretty darned good at it, too!'"



Capital pun-ishment. . . If you're beginning to notice a certain, er, spirited theme to this month's Diary, well, you may need a stiff drink after this from Aletteration:

"A buddy and I are in my garage, working on his car, in between beers. 'What time is it?' he asks.

"'I dunno,' says me, 'I left my watch upstairs.'

"He asks, 'Aren't you afraid, ha ha, it'll run down?'

"'No,' I say. 'We've got a winding staircase.'"



Pondering the imponderables. . . Rather than passively observing life's imponderable mysteries, Ceil suggests these ways to create some of your own:

"To maintain a healthy level of insanity:

"At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

"Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!

"Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

"Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

"In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for marijuana.'

"Finish all your sentences with 'in accordance with the prophecy.'

"Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

"Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

"Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'

"Sing along at the opera.

"Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

"Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

"When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, 'I won! I won!'

"When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

"Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'"



Share the insanity! Send your crazy ideas to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email
diary@desertexposure.com.

 


Kids say the darnedest things. . . We welcome back JackB, who shares this thrilling tale of emergency care:

"Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

"Her mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

"The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

"Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place — smack his butt again!'"



Crazy is as crazy does. . . Finally, speaking of insanity, as we were a few paragraphs back, test your own mental stability with this little lesson from Toni in the Vet's Office:

"During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"'Well,' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

"'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

"'No,' said the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'"



Send your favorite jokes, anecdotes, puns and tall tales to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com The best submission each month gets a brand-new Desert Exposure mouse pad, scientifically proven to take the strain out of emailing jokes to Desert Diary.



Postcards from the edge. . . Our ongoing invitation for readers to snap a photo of themselves on vacation holding a copy of Desert Exposure takes a nautical turn this month, with pictures from the Pacific coast and the Caribbean.

 

Diary

Here are Randi Halperen-Olson and Connie Powers, showing their excellent taste in reading matter at Cabrillo National Monument, Point Loma, San Diego, Calif.

 

Diary

And Bert de Pedro sends this photo with this note: "This stalwart crew of six roughed it in the Caribbean on a seven-day cruise followed by four days in Puerto Rico, home of the pia colada, doing scuba, kayaking, skip-line spanning of canyons, etc. All the couples were celebrating wedding anniversaries. The photo shows us sailing on a 50-foot yacht in the waters off Puerto Rico. From left to right: Frank and Patty Bielfeldt (married 36 years), Bert and Judy de Pedro (50 years) and Harvey Kaplan and Charlotte Hall (25 years)."

Congratulations to all. Guess that sometimes the "battle of the sexes" ends in a long-term peace treaty.

 

 

Whether you're headed to the coast or just to Lake Roberts, take along a copy of Desert Exposure and get a photo of yourself with it "on location." Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062 or email diary@desertexposure.com

 



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