D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
May
2009
Men and Women, Sex and Religion, Southerners and CEOs
Plus flying while blonde, hasty decisions and getting throne for a loop.
Annals of medicine. . . Longtime contributor JackB returns with this yarn from the frontiers of health care:
"A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
"An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 'What's wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!'
"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, 'Does she still have the hiccups?'"
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . When Fred in the Garage sent this our way, he described it as "the best blonde joke ever." You can, of course, make it the best brunette or redhead joke ever — it's up to you:
"A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!'
"The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she paid only for an Economy ticket she is entitled only to an Economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney, and I'm staying right here!'
"Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this — I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
"The blonde immediately says, 'Oh, I'm sorry — I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
"The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replies, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . A double volley in the gender wars this month begins with this from Toni in the Vet's Office:
"After being married for 44 years, he took a careful look at his wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
"His wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
"Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!"
And then there's this tale of trouble in paradise — literally — sent our way by Old Grumps:
"'Lord, I have a problem.'
"'What's the problem, Eve?'
"'I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.'
"'And why is that, Eve?'
"'Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.'
"'Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'
"'Man? What is that, Lord?'
"'A flawed creature, with many bad habits and traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.'
"'Sounds great,' says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, 'but what's the catch, Lord?'
"'Well. . . you can have him on one condition.'
"'And what's that, Lord?'
"'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.'"
Fire your own shots in the battle of the sexes! Or just send us a favorite joke, anecdote or entertaining yarn. Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 575-5134 or email diary@desertexposure.com
Southern comfort. . . We're loath to disparage another region of this great country of ours, but couldn't resist this submission on "Why They Love the South" from Rebel Yell (as we'll call her for her own protection). Before you think we're being too mean, keep in mind Rebel's addendum: "You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north." Onward:
"Georgia: The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?'
"The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'"
"Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
"'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
"'You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
"'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'"
"Louisiana: A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
"Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
"Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
"The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'"
"South Carolina (read this one aloud, with an accent): A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
"The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
"The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'"