D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
November
2008
The Breaking Point
How do you know when a relationship is worth saving?
By Joanie Connors
Marriages and romantic relationships don't seem to last very long in our Western individualistic culture. Only 50 percent of US marriages of our generation last as long as 20 years, while fewer than 40 percent of unmarried cohabiting couples last 10 years or more.
Why do so many of us walk away from relationships? And when could we, and should we, work to repair a relationship?
There seems to be a breaking point, a moment or short period of time where troubles overwhelm relationship strengths and the glue that holds partners together dissolves. Once that breaking point is reached, relationships fall apart quickly and soon one (or both) of the partners heads for the door.
There are many variations in the timing of this breaking point, and sometimes they don't fit with the reality of the relationship. Some people will stay long past a healthy breaking point, enduring terrible costs like abuse or emotional poverty. Others end relationships too early, bailing out of marriages or romantic relationships when minor differences start to be aired and/or when fun is replaced with reality.
Most of us are somewhere in the middle of these extremes, able to tolerate some relationship troubles without quitting. Most of us are able to work for a healthy balance between self and relationship. But that balance is sometimes elusive and so difficult to achieve in our day-to-day lives. It's especially complicated if we had unhealthy family models about giving and taking from those we love.
Still, millions of relationships struggle and fall apart every year. While many of these relationships are unhealthy or past their usefulness, it seems important to do what we can to slow their disintegration and to raise questions before they end.
How do you find out if a relationship has enough value? And, for those relationships that have value, what can be done to turn them back around as they approach the breaking point?
The first thing a couple should ask is, "Is there something good here?" When in trouble, couples need to rediscover their roots — their shared belief system. If core values and beliefs are in conflict, then little else will work well.
The second step is for couples to look seriously at their relationship problems and determine if the problems are limited in scope or if they overwhelm that good. The following categories may help couples find where that balance of good and bad is heading, and might spur some troubled couples in a better direction:
Relationships worth saving: Relationships are generally worth saving whenever there is a core foundation of similar values and beliefs that the partners share, and if there is basic trust. Shared spiritual and moral values and practices give a relationship meaning and provide a larger perspective for facing problems.
Trust in your partner means you know your partner is on your side and have faith he or she will work with you for the greater good of your household. Trust is necessary for hearts to stay open to each other, and for real listening to occur. Basic trust must not be lost for a relationship to recover from troubles.
Some good relationships can come to the breaking point when hard times come and take over. Health problems, financial problems, addictions and mental illness can come on in an instant and make good relationships become incredibly painful — so painful that it may seem impossible to spend another day together.
Unfortunately, during hard times like these, people often backtrack on their emotional maturity and regress into their worst behaviors. Old problems such as criticalness, depression, nagging insecurities or being overly controlling can reemerge to dominate couple interactions when problems occur. Negative behavior can then trigger more negative behavior, and as partners experience more and more of the ugly sides of each other, they will wonder, "Who is this person?" and "How can I escape?"
Time and space apart can help these couples a great deal. Visiting relatives, going camping or taking separate vacations can often save relationships by giving partners time to think. Most problems are temporary, so waiting out the storm helps them get away from their troubles and restore perspective in order to look at the big picture.
Other times, good relationships can get to the breaking point after partners drift apart slowly and suddenly discover they are living with a stranger. Sometimes couples gradually stop talking, maybe out of habits of niceness ("Don't complain!") or maybe because they lack time for long, serious talks. Problems and distance then can quietly slip into every corner of a couple's life together. However it happens, these couples find they are facing a wall when they want to reach out to their partner, and the prospect of tearing down the wall seems impossible.
The hard work needed to get through to each other and resolve differences at these times can seem daunting. But when trust and core values are still there, communication can be restored with a little determination and learning about communication skills through a workshop or a workbook (or a few visits to the therapist).
Relationships not worth saving: Relationships are not worth saving when they are destructive, overwhelmed with problems or have no life left in them. When relationships do more harm than good, or drain more energy than they create, there is little hope of turning them around.
Too frequently, relationships that are clearly harmful become difficult to end and somehow endure past healthy breaking points. Partners in such relationships may tolerate physical and psychological mistreatment, drug and alcohol abuse, financial exploitation, sexual abuse and degradation from their partners way past the point of damage to their health and safety. Some will even risk their lives rather than let go.
People who hang onto such destructive relationships do so because of fear — fear of being alone, fear of poverty or fear of harm. Some people hang on in order to salvage a friendship, but if a relationship is abusive, it is difficult to stop the destruction cycle with continued contact.
Then there are once-good relationships that deteriorate over too many years of neglect and suffer from too many problems. Relationships with serious problems can recover, but not when strife or despair have taken over the major areas of couple functioning — communication, sex, finances and emotional support. This leaves a couple with no energy or strengths to cope with their troubles and no good feelings to motivate them to want to cope.
Another category of relationships that may be let go of are relationships that were based on superficial foundations that no longer work, such as partying, shared hobbies or sex without love. When superficial relationships wear out, there is rarely enough depth of commitment for partners to continue caring about each other through the stresses and strains of life together.
When relationships have reached these levels of trouble, letting go may be the only kind option because they are too far gone to help. Neither partner benefits from hanging on to unhealthy relationships, and any children of such relationships learn a bad model.
The only healthy thing to do is end the hurt, but the hard part is finding the clarity to see things as they really are. Often friends can help us get perspective at these times, we can turn to family members (if they are not dysfunctional) to give us the support we need to get clear, or a therapist can play this role.