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D e s e r t   E x p o s u r e    May 2008

 

Annals of Inebriation, Taser Tale and O Heavenly Duck!

Plus smart-aleck schoolteachers and good news about getting old.



The joke's on us. . . We begin with this yarn from the animal kingdom, courtesy of frequent correspondent Old Grumps:

"A small zoo in Louisiana obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

"Thinking about their problem, the zookeeper thought of Bobby Lee, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample stature to satisfy a female of any species. The zookeeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

"Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"'First,' Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The zookeeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"'Second,' the redneck said, 'she must wear a "Dale Earnhardt Forever" T-shirt.' The zookeeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"'Third,' Bobby Lee said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The zookeeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"'Fourth,' Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.

"'And last,' Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.'"



Annals of inebriation, part I. . . The moral of this story, sent our way by Ned Ludd, is that things aren't always what they seem:

"A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is three in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

"'Who was that?' asks his wife.

"'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

"'Did you help him?' she asks.

"'No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

"'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

"The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

"'Yes,' comes back the answer.

"'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

"'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

"'Where are you?' asks the husband.

"'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk."

No more teachers' dirty looks. . . Correspondent Bert of the Burros swears that these are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. (He adds that the smart-aleck teachers were reprimanded.):

"Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

"I would not allow this student to breed.

"Your child has delusions of adequacy.

"Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

"Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

"The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

"This child has been working with glue too much.

"When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

"The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

"If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

"It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1 million others.

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead."



Losing the battle of the sexes. . . This addition to our ongoing chronicle of the war between men and women comes via Toni in the Vet's Office:

"My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

"We walked to the second pen, which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

"We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

"I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'"



You're only as old as you feel. . . Those of us who recently celebrated a birthday are particularly indebted to Old Grumps (again) for sharing these thoughts on the brighter side of getting old:

"Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

"In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

"No one expects you to run — anywhere.

"People call at 9 p.m. and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

"People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

"There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

"Things you buy now won't wear out.

"You can eat supper at 4 p.m.

"You can live without sex but not your glasses.

"You get into heated arguments a bout pension plans.

"You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

"You can quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

"You sing along with elevator music.

"Your eyes won't get much worse.

"Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

"Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

"Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

"Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size."



Postcards from the edge. . . This month's reader photo comes all the way from Tangiers, Morocco, where Maria Sundt, left, and Ardene Rickman got themselves snapped holding a copy of their favorite publication. (We're pretty sure the Arabic words behind them say "The biggest little paper in the Southwest.")


Diary picture

Going places? Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding a copy of Desert Exposure. Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com




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