D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
March
2008
Desert Diary
Page: 2The idiots among us. . . While we're on the subject of idiots — of ALL ethnic backgrounds, let us quickly note, Bert of the Burros passes along these accounts of "idiot sightings":
"We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.
"My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
"I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'
"My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
"The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
"I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
"When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'"
Share your own idiot sightings with Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.
Postcards from the edge. . . Continuing our collection of photos sent by traveling readers depicting themselves holding copies of Desert Exposure in places near and far (for the complete collection up to now, see the January 2008 issue), this Parisian scene arrived with the note:
"Bill Blakemore and Pat Bouchard packed the recent Desert Exposure all the way to Paris. After this picture was taken, the tough decision was either to go to Notre Dame or to the bar. The bar was offering hot cider."
Join in the fun! Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com
The joke's on us. . . We haven't had a good "three men" joke in a long time. This one comes by way of JackB:
"Three men — a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan — are all working together one day when they find a magic lantern and a genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,' says the genie.
"The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOF! With a blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
"Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.' POOF! Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those places.
"The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
"The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'"
Hints not from Heloise. . . Another submission from Old Grumps, this in the category of helpful (?) advice. Use at your own risk:
"To avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, use the sink.
"To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. (Remember to use a timer.)
"A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
"If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
"You need only two tools in life — WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape."
Our pets, ourselves. . . Appropriately enough, this yarn was sent our way by Toni in the Vet's Office:
"An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
"The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
"The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 10 children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'"
Working hard or hardly working. . . We can't personally vouch for this sick-leave technique, but Fred in the Garage thought it was worth passing along:
"Hank calls into work and says, 'Hey, I can't come into work today. I'm really sick.'
"The boss says, 'You know something, Hank, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
"Two hours later, Hank calls again, 'I did what you suggested and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you've got a nice house!'"
Geography 101. . . Somehow, things were a lot clearer after we read this short lesson in geography, energy and politics sent along by Ceil:
"A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical:
"Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, coastal Florida, coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.
"Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!"
Send your puns, jokes, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee
mug.