D e s e r t E x p o s u r e
February
2008
Blondes and Cannibals, Husbands and Wives
Plus a job worse than yours and when airline crews crack wise.
Persons of the blonde persuasion. . . We begin this month with our usual caveat that the easily offended and blonde of locks may feel free to substitute "brunette" or "redhead" in the yarn that follows, submitted by Toni in the Vet's Office. Whatever your hair color, it's a hoot:
"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had never paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year: Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'It's been a year!' I told him.
"There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
What color is your golden parachute? When you have one of those "I hate my job" days, suggests Braveheart, try this:
"On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, close the curtains and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the accompanying literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.'
"Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: 'I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.'
"Remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the butt than yours!"
Speaking of the world of work, Tigger of Oz sends along some more helpful tips — "10 Best Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk":
"They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
"This is just the 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time.
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the Mission Statement and envisioning a new business strategy.
"It's true what they say about all that harmful radiation that these monitors put out. My eyes started stinging and I got real dizzy.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice Yoga?
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
"I was getting in touch with my spirit world.
"Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
"Raise your head slowly and say, '. . . in Jesus' name, amen.'"
Got career advice or just a favorite joke to share? Send it to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, email diary@desertexposure.com or fax 534-4134.
Annals of medicine. . . As the following concerns certain, er, anatomical issues, we suggest the easily offended skip ahead. Heck, given the way this month's Diary seems to be going, the easily offended might just want to skip to the next section of the paper! For the rest of us, JM RealOne sends this tale:
"A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged — shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, the hunter was approached by his doctor, who said, 'Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.'
"'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a a plastic surgeon?'
"'Not exactly,' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'"
Postcards from the edge. . . Continuing our series of photos sent by traveling readers showing themselves holding copies of Desert Exposure in locales near and far (for the complete collection up to now, see last month's issue), Richard Ellers writes:
"I've wanted to do the Desert Exposure travels bit and got my chance when we went off to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with family. Here's Elizabeth Ellers with Desert Exposure aboard the University of Washington research ship on Lake Union."
Join in the fun! Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest." Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Two yarns from the front lines of the gender wars, the first from Old Grumps:
"A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts: 'Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'
"He looks at her and says angrily, 'Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have "GE" written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
"'Fine, then,' the wife says, 'but could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.'
"To which he replies, 'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
"'Fine,' she says, 'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door. They are about to break.'
"'I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,' the husband says. 'Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!'
"So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. 'Honey,' he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
"She replies, 'Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
"The husband says, 'So what kind of cake did you bake?'
"The wife replies, "Do you see "Sara Lee" written on my forehead? I don't think so!'"
And this second tale, courtesy of Geerichard:
"She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
"Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.
"More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'
"She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'"
Send your best shots in the gender war to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, email diary@desertexposure.com or fax 534-4134.
Come fly with me. . . Put your seat in the fully upright and locked position and prepare to enjoy these examples — purportedly real — of airline crew having a bit too much fun on the job, sent in by frequent contributor Old Grumps:
"On a Southwest flight, which has no assigned seating, passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
"On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
"On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
"'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.'
"'Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
"After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'
"'Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
"'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.'
"'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.'
"'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
"'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'
"From the pilot during he welcome message: 'Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.'"
The joke's on us. . . Honestly, some of our best friends are blonde! But this funny from Ned Ludd simply doesn't work any other way:
"A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things.
"'1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
"'2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
"'3. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"'4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
"'5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'"
Fortunately, this joke from Fred at the Mortuary betrays no hair-color bias:
"A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to him. At the first house, a woman complained, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The older doctor said, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
"As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?' The older doctor replied, 'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.' 'Huh,' the younger doctor said, 'pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
"Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did: 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
"'You've probably been doing too much work for the church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
"As they left, the elder doc said, 'Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
"'Well,' said the young doc, 'just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'"
Democracy inaction. . . Finally, in the spirit of this political season, we caucused and came up with this tale told by JohnC:
"A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:
"'Broiled Missionary: $10.00
"'Fried Explorer: $15.00
"'Grilled Republican: $100.00
"'Baked Democrat: $100.00'
"The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'
"The waiter replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.'"
Send your puns, jokes, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee
mug.