D  e  s  e  r  t   E  x  p  o  s  u  r  e        January 2008

Desert Diary

What color is your golden parachute? . . . This yarn from frequent correspondent Toni in the Vet's Office will resonate with anyone who's ever been an underling:

"A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

"The woman below replied, 'You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

"'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.

"'I am,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?'

"'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'

"The woman below responded, 'You must be in management.'

"'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'But how did you know?'

"'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!'"

Department of consumer affairs. . . This warning comes courtesy of Writer Bill, and frankly we suspect that it could also apply to almost any other retail location:

"A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

"Two seriously good-looking young women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They start cleaning your windshield with a rag and Windex, making sure to lean over to the point that they're almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

"When you thank them and offer them a tip, they politely refuse and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot location. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. And while you're distracted, the other one steals your wallet!

"This is serious business! I had my wallet stolen October 4, 9, 10, 15 (twice!), 17, 20 and 24. Also November 1, 3, 9 (three times!), 12, 17, 21 and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

"So tell your friends to be careful!"

Happy new year, part I. . . Finally, we celebrate the new year with two reflections on the ever-turning calendar page. First, from Bob in the Mortuary, comes this list of "New Rules for 2008" (which we've seen variously attributed to George Carlin and Bill Maher) with some resolutions worth making and keeping:

"No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving; it's the upscale version of looting.

"Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years — because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

"Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of fast-food chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain — lobster?

"If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

"Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, they're done.

"There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

"Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

"The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet,' you're a huge jerk.

"Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.'

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

Happy new year, part II. . . And these, sent our way by Frumpy Fox, ring all too true as we ring in the new year:

"You know you're living in 2008 when. . .

"You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

"You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

"You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

"You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

"Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

"You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

"Every commercial on television has a Web site at the bottom of the screen.

"Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

"You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

"You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )"

Send your signs of the times, puns, jokes, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug.

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