D e s e r t E x p o s u r e 
January
2008
Politics Explained, Hospital Charts Deconstructed
and 2008 Rung In
Plus why men are never depressed and centipedes make lousy pets.
Democracy inaction. . . We kick off this election year with the following yarn, sent our way by Tigger of Oz, entitled "Politics Explained." As might be expected, given the topic, the easily offended are urged to skip ahead:
"A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is politics?'
"Dad says, 'Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.'
"So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, the boy hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
"The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
"The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
"The little boy replies, 'Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep doo-doo.'"
Our pets, ourselves. . . This tale concerns perhaps the smallest critter ever to be included in our ongoing pets category. It comes courtesy of GeeRichard:
"This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
"The man asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So the man waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask the centipede one more time — this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?'
"Finally, a little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.'"
Losing the battle of the sexes. . . We suspect that this volley in the gender wars, which came our way via JM RealOne, will come as no surprise to our readers of the female persuasion:
"Why men are never depressed: What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
"The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
"Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000, but a tux rents for $100.
"People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
"You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
"Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
"Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades! You have to shave only your face and neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
"You can play with toys all your life. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Dec. 24 in 25 minutes.
"No wonder men are happier!"
The joke's on us. . . We can always count on Old Grumps to send us a laugh or two every month, and we're glad that the first month of 2008 is no exception:
"While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won first place — a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won sixth prize — a toilet brush.
"About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, 'Great! I love spaghetti!' In return, Billy Bob asked Bubba, 'How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?'
"'Not so good,' replied Bubba. 'I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper.'"
Take two and call in the morning. . . "Don't know if these are true or not, but would not be surprised if they are," writes Fred in the Garage in passing along these purportedly "actual writings from hospital charts":
"The patient refused autopsy.
"The patient has no previous history of suicides.
"Patient left white blood cells at another hospital.
"She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
"On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
"The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
"The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
"Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
"She is numb from her toes down.
"While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
"The skin was moist and dry.
"Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
"Patient was alert and unresponsive.
"Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
"Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
"Skin: somewhat pale but present.
"The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."