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Fishing vs. Wife, Jesus in the Bathroom
and Exercise for Elders

Plus baptizing cats and the true meaning of "spaghetti."

 

Losing the battle of the sexes. . . Could it be that what James Thurber called "the war between men and women" continues to rage simply because the male and the female of the species have different priorities? Take fishing, for example, in this yarn courtesy of Old Grumps:

"A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an eight-pound bass on the first cast and a seven-pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first bass ever that exceeded 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

"As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant — then he remembered his wife.

"Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

"The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it is more than likely the last fishing trip you will ever take! For the rest of her life she will require around-the-clock care. And you'll be her caregiver forever!'

"The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

"The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?'"

 

The gender wars, continued — riposte. . . On the other hand, we have this somewhat different perspective, also from the front lines of the gender wars, courtesy of PoetLodge:

"A woman, in her 50s, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

"The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old!'

"The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'

"The wife responds, 'Your name never came up.'"

Have a volley to fire in the battle of the sexes? Or just a good joke to share? Send it to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.

 

Kids say the darnedest things. . . Our Arizona correspondent RobertH returns with this list of "Great truths that little children have learned":

"No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

"If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

"Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

"You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

"Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

"Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

"The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap."

 

(Sunday) school daze. . . Speaking of kids and the things that come out of their mouths, we pass along this funny from Ned Ludd:

"A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, 'Where is Jesus today?'

"Steven raised his hand and said, 'He's in heaven!'

"Mary was called on and answered, 'He's in my heart!'

"Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, 'I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!'

"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Little Johnny replied, 'Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'''"

 

Postcards from the edge. . . This month's reader photo — and we've been blessed with a lot of them lately as readers went on summer vacation (so be patient, we WILL run your picture!) — comes from Peter and Patricia-Ryan Falley, who write: "Desert Exposure is such a good paper, it should be known the world over. We took our copy along on our recent trip to Russia. The attached picture shows us on Kizhi Island in Lake Onega in Russia."

Take us with you on your next trip and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest"! Send it to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com.

 

Quizzical Fitness. . . We feel fitter and healthier already after reading this program of "Exercise for Older Adults" sent by Jess Hossingaround in Arenas Valley. Now maybe we'll actually try the exercises . . .

"Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. "Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then try 50-pound potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. "After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks."

 

You are what you eat. . . In a somewhat similar vein, there's this from Bob in the Garage, who comments,

"Kind of makes you proud to be an American." Indeed: "A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. "That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon."

 

New math or old, share your calculations with Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.

 

You're only as old as you feel. . . Reaching across the generation gap, Gigi shares this tale of shifting fashion standards:

"A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date. She's wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, 'Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

"The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"The grandmother replies, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'"

 

Spelling it out. . . Confused and frustrated by the acronyming of America? Join Bert in the Burros, who writes:

"Maybe it's the computer age, but it seems that everything has to be shortened, abbreviated, or otherwise encrypted. For example, here is a summary of my personal health situation:

"I do not have COPD, RLS, PAD or HIV.

"I also do not have ED.

"I have a slight case of BPH.

"I have had BPPV, but it went away by itself.

"I have had a slight case of ACS.

"I don't know whether I have OC.

"I'm having more problems with CRS lately.

"All in all, though, I feel pretty good — at least until they come up with more initials."

 

Persons of the blond persuasion. . . Turnabout being fair play and all, we pass along the following from Toni in the Vet's Office, a yarn concerning a blond fella, for a change. As usual, feel free to substitute the hair color of your choice:

"An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building. '

"The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too.'

"The blond guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too.'

"The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

"At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife.

"The blond guy's wife said, 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'"

 

Now that's Italian! Yet another reason to stay faithful to your wife, supplied by JackB:

"A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during a rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

"She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child-support payments to begin.

"One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange postcard from Italy today.'

"'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said.

"The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread!'"

 

Look on the sunny side of life. . . Emailing fiend Old Grumps does an encore with this cautionary tale about the perils of negative thinking:

"A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, ' Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'

"'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

"'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

"'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'

"'Don't go any further,' the hairdresser said. 'I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?'

"'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

"'That's rich!' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

"A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. 'It was wonderful,' replied the woman. 'Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

"'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

"'Actually, we were quite lucky,' the traveling woman responded, 'because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

"'Oh, really! What'd he say?' asked the hairdresser.

"'He said, "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"'"

 

Pondering the imponderables. . . Finally, we share these words of wisdom from Aunt Jane, who tells how to put advice on living into practice:

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished.'

"So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace."

 

Send your jokes, puns, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, emaildiary@desertexposure.com. Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug.

 

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