Lessons for Cubicle Living and Wal-Mart Shopping
Plus the ultimate female joke, ice-fishing don'ts
and the return of silly
signage.
The female of the species. . . In passing along this yarn, Toni in the Vet's Office describes it as the "ultimate female joke." She explains, "It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it:
"A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 — on one condition.'
"Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said,
"'Clean my house.'"
Do you have the ultimate male joke (one that we can print, that is, guys)? Or a female joke that makes the above merely penultimate? Share it with the world — and Desert Diary — at diary@desertexposure.com, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or fax 534-4134.
You know you live in New Mexico when. . . More from Mountain Writer, who passes along these additional ways to know you live in the Land of Enchantment:
"Your Wal-Mart sells snow sleds in the summer for the White Sands — but you can hardly find sleds in the winter.
"You've slept outside either on the trampoline, the back of a truck, or just in the yard with friends.
"You love the smell of rain in the desert.
"One of your favorite pastimes is rock hunting.
"Your high school biology teacher taught you how to identify all of the desert plants that you could get high off of, and how to do it.'
"Your city cousins from out of state come and visit you and don't get it when 'going to do something' to you means to go hunting, fishing or hiking and theirs is hanging out at the mall.
"You spent your four years of high school saying you were leaving this hellhole and never coming back to podunk, and when you left, you realized that there's no place like New Mexico, and will probably decide to retire back home.'"
People of the blonde persuasion. . . We offer the following from Ned Ludd with our usual admonition that readers may feel free to substitute the hair coloration of their choice in lieu of the much-picked-upon blonde:
"A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
"Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
"The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'
"She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, 'IS THAT YOU, LORD?'
"The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.'"
The sign on the road to the cemetery said "Dead End". . . It's been much too long since we've had an installment of our silly signs category — a situation thankfully remedied here by Old Grumps:
"Did I read that sign right? 'Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.'
"In a Laundromat: 'Automatic washing machines — please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.'
"In a London department store: 'Bargain basement upstairs.'
"In an office: 'Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.'
"In an English office: 'After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside-down on the draining board.'
"Outside a secondhand shop: 'We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
"Notice in health-food shop window: 'Closed due to illness.'
"Spotted in a safari park: 'Elephants please stay in your car.'
"Seen during a conference: 'For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor.'
"Notice in a farmer's field: 'The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.'
"Message on a leaflet: 'If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
"On a repair shop door: 'We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door — the bell doesn't work.)'"
Send your own silly-sign sightings to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, email diary@desertexposure.com or fax 534-4134.
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Take us with you on your next trip — to the other side of the world or just to Hoboken — and send home a snapshot of yourself holding "the biggest little paper in the Southwest"! Send it to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, or by email to diary@desertexposure.com.
Winning the rat race. . . Generations of future cubicle-dwellers will no doubt be grateful to Jess Hossinaround in Arenas Valley for sharing these four tales that dramatize the lessons of corporate life:
"1. A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops the towel, and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, he hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
"When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
"'It was Bob, our neighbor,' she replies.
"'Great!' says the husband. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
"Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
"2. A sales rep, an administrative clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears. The genie says, 'I'll give you each just one wish. 'Me first! Me first!' says the administrative clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She vanishes.
"'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He is gone.
"The manager says, 'I want those people back in the office after lunch.'
"Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
"3. A crow is sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asks him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?'
"The crow answers, 'Sure, why not?' So the rabbit sits on the ground below the crow and rests. Along comes a fox, who jumps on the rabbit and eats it.
"Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.'
"4. A turkey is chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighs the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
"'Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?' replies the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
"The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it gives him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. From there, he is able to reach a higher branch until finally he sits perched on the top branch of the tree. He can see for miles. Soon, the turkey is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
"Moral of the story: BS may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there."
The joke's on us. . . This one, courtesy of JackB, needs no translation:
"Bubba, a furniture dealer from High Point, NC, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he traveled to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in North Carolina. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small cafe and have a glass of wine.
"As Bubba sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand) and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
"He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, Bubba took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
"After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
"Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business."
You're only as old as you feel. . . This tale of retirement gone awry comes our way via Augusta:
"After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men — he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women — she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:
"Dear Mrs. Fenton — Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video-surveillance cameras.
"June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
"July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.
"July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
"July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'
"Aug. 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
"Sept. 14: Moved a 'CAUTION — WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
"Sept. 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
"Sept. 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
"Oct. 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
"Nov. 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
"Dec. 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
"Dec. 6: In the auto department, practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
"Dec.18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
"Dec. 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH, NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
"Dec. 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
"Regards, Wal-Mart."
Pondering the imponderables. . . Finally, we take a moment to contemplate the mysteries of the universe, thanks to Bob in the Garage:
"Ever wonder. . .
"Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
"Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
"Why you never see the headline, 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
"Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
"Why it is that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
"Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
"Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'broker'?
"Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called 'rush hour'?
"Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
"Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
"You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
"Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
"Why are they called 'apartments' when they are all stuck together?
"If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' is 'Congress' the opposite of 'progress'?
"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?"
Send your jokes, puns, heartwarming anecdotes and cosmic ponderings to: Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134, email diary@desertexposure.com. Remember, the best submission each month gets a highly collectible Desert Exposure coffee mug.