The Two Parts of Anger
Don't get mad, get positive ways to use anger.
By Joanie Connors, PhD
During the 1960s, the theory spread that there was a human need to "release" anger and express it freely, and that regular anger dumps were essential for mental health. This theory was happily adopted by the "me" generation who came to believe that unexpressed anger was toxic and so dumped angry words on family, friends and service people (like secretaries and waitresses). Even ranting, screaming and smashing things were promoted to let go of emotional toxins, promote wellbeing and improve relationships.
This public acceptance of anger dumping is unfortunate, because it turns out that this kind of anger harms both the people who do it regularly as well as the relationships that have to endure eruptions of anger. Explosive anger is harmful physically because it stresses out the heart and cardiovascular system. Anger dumping can also be addictive, and change people into permanently outraged victims. And, explosive anger is really bad for relationships because the drama cycle of tension, finding fault, criticism and explosion never finds a reason to end.
The answer is not to deny anger and hold it inside, but to understand it. Understanding is the first step to seeing what is really there and making good choices (discernment) that can free you from the negative aspects of anger.
Anger actually consists of two parts, emotional-physical arousal and interpersonal power maneuvers. The emotional-physical arousal that rises with anger is quite harmful. It is a form of the stress response, with adrenalin and other hormones causing blood pressure to rise, the heart rate to increase, and the secretion of cortisol, a hormone that causes many physical disorders.
Unfortunately, the arousal side of anger is addictive. Some people enjoy the rush of anger so much that they constantly seek out reasons to feel it and are predisposed to be outraged as often as possible.
Then a negative thinking cycle takes over their lives and they are rarely or never satisfied with the way things are. Anger addicts scan their environments for justifications for more angry outbursts, picking fault with waitresses, coworkers, spouses, their children or the evening news. When they find a target, they anticipate their chance to explode with outrage, and plan how to have the greatest dramatic effect to yield the greatest rush.
Some people have been trapped in a pattern of cyclic angry rages since childhood or since a trauma occurred in their life, and many of them get no pleasure from anger. They know angry rages are harmful, but cannot find a way to stop or escape the cycle. It becomes this way for many longterm addicts.
Like wolves and other mammals, humans are wired to be aware of their social environment and their place in the pecking order, because pecking order controls access to resources. When another person does not respect us in any way, we feel that old sense of threat and most of us react with anger to try to protect our territory.
This aspect of anger is the motivator for all the awful manipulations that go on in countries, corporations and relationships to grab power and deny power to others. Cut-throat politics is based on this motive — to be top dog, to have more control than the other guy. It is also the motivator for marital politics and sibling rivalry, and many of forms of conflict, abuse and violence.
The struggle between power-over and power-under is a trap that has fueled conflict and violence for thousands of years. There is another way to use power that is not based on domination and uses cooperation and attaining the greater good for its base. Anger can be used to serve this kind of power.
Anger can teach us about the state of interpersonal power and changes that can be happening in the power balances of our relationships. What we learn about this from anger can be used to promote our effectiveness and self-respect, and to manage the influence of others.
We in this culture are so trained to use top-down power politics that we often fall into those kinds of interactions without thinking. When someone comes at us with a power play, we may instantly retaliate or take the victim role and end up in an abusive situation. But anger and power do not have to be used to damage or deny others. If we are conscious of how they work and what they tell us about our role in the relationships in our lives, anger can become a positive force.
The arousal aspect of anger can be used positively if we recognize it as a signal that we are out of balance and under stress. Those looking for a positive response can take immediate action to relax, stay calm, and become mindful, perhaps by meditating. At the very least, you can walk away or try to avoid upsetting and stress-inducing situations.
If you manage the arousal aspect and stay calm, you have a better chance of staying centered and conscious. You can then try to contemplate the whole picture of what's going on and learn something positive from it.
If you are an anger-arousal addict, there are many things you can do to help free yourself of this prison. You can ask your friends and family for help, do physical exercise when you feel something coming on, study and practice gratitude, and get professional counseling.
When anger helps you become aware that the interpersonal power aspect of a relationship is shifting, that gives you the choice to act to correct the imbalance. First, you have to ask yourself what you want to promote and feed in your relationships. Do you want to feed equal relationships that nurture and empower your friends and family, or do you want to feed unequal ones that drain those you care about?
If you truly seek balance, anger can provide information that can help you work to make power more equal, more balanced. If you are the one with too much power, you can pull back and encourage others to have a voice. If you have too little power, you can assert yourself more and question why you are not heard.
Working on self-respect and power issues will not do any good, though, unless you are deeply rooted in self-control, in taking power over yourself. The most important power is power over your own life — your own feelings, perceptions and life patterns.
If you hold others responsible for the quality of your experiences, you will always blame others because they will always fall short. No one can take care of you but you.
The only way to really make this work is to establish regular communication in your relationships about power. It is important that this not be blaming, but be something you discuss because you care and because it is necessary for the maintenance of a healthy relationship.
Talking about power and control is essential if you are to maintain self-respect during the inevitable trials and differences that must be worked out in any relationship, whether it is romantic, familial, friend or work-based. Self-respect is necessary for your health and well-being, even when you personally value compassion and caring and desire to actualize them as much as possible.
It is important to remember that calmly sharing anger and all feelings is an act of love and that regular sharing of feelings is necessary for healthy relationships. Listening to each other's feelings is also an essential act of love, but always remember not to try to solve their problems or take them on. Listening is enough; it is a gift that we give to each other so we do not feel alone on life's difficult path.
Joanie Connors, PhD, is a licensed counseling psychologist
in Silver City who teaches at WNMU.