Tech-Support Tales, Meteorological Secrets and Political Surgery
Plus a "jellyfish bad day" and the difference between slowing down and stopping.
Making the cut. . . Just in time for Election Day, Ned Ludd passes along this medical yarn:
"Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
"The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
"The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
"The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
"But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'"
Abort, retry, fail. . . In a missive that will make your feel better about your own computer skills, Toni in the Vet's Office shares these "unbelievable, but supposedly all true" tales from the front lines of tech support:
"Tech support: 'What kind of computer do you have?'
"Female customer: 'A white one.'"
"Customer: 'Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.'
"Tech support: 'Have you tried pushing the button?'
"Customer: 'Yes, sure, it's really stuck.'
"Tech support: 'That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.'
"Customer: 'No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk. . . Sorry.'"
"Tech support: 'Click on the My Computer icon on to the left of the screen.'
"Customer: 'Your left or my left?'"
"Tech support: 'Good day. How may I help you?'
"Male customer: 'Hello. I can't print.'
"Tech support: 'Would you click on Start for me and. . .'
"Customer: 'Listen, pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!'"
"Customer: 'Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.'"
"Customer: 'I have problems printing in red.'
"Tech support: 'Do you have a color printer?'
"Customer: 'Aaaah. . . . Thank you.'"
"Tech support: 'What's on your monitor now, ma'am?'
"Customer: 'A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.'"
"Customer: 'My keyboard is not working anymore.'
"Tech support: 'Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?'
"Customer: 'No. I can't get behind the computer.'
"Tech support: 'Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.'
"Customer: 'OK.'
"Tech support: 'Did the keyboard come with you?'
"Customer: 'Yes.'
"Tech support: 'That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?'
"Customer: 'Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work. . . .'"
"Tech support: 'Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number 7.'
"Customer: 'Is that 7 in capital letters?'"
"Customer: 'I can't get on the Internet.'
"Tech support: 'Are you sure you used the right password?'
"Customer: 'Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.'
"Tech support: 'Can you tell me what the password was?'
"Customer: 'Five stars.'"
"Customer: 'I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.'"
"Tech support: 'How may I help you?'
"Customer: 'I'm writing my first e-mail.'
"Tech support: 'OK, and what seems to be the problem?'
"Customer: 'Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?'"
"A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: 'Are you running it under Windows?'
"Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'"
"Tech support: 'OK, Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.'
"Customer: 'I don't have a "P."'
"Tech support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
"Customer: 'What do you mean?'
"Tech support: '"P" on your keyboard, Bob.'
"Customer: 'I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!'"
Your own tales of technological woe are of course welcome at Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email—if you can—diary@desertexposure.com.
Losing the war between the sexes. . . Frequent correspondent Grumps shares the following "Five Rules for Men to Follow to Achieve a Happier Life":
"1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.
"2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
"3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
"4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
"5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other."
Don't let Grumps hog all the 10th-anniversary Desert Exposure mugs! (See the end of this column.) Send your favorite jokes to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.
Everybody talks about the weather, but. . . New correspondent Jess Hossinaround (gotta love that "handle") sends this joke with the note, "This has become funnier to me since I have lived in New Mexico":
"It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
"But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
"'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
"A week later he called the National Weather Service again: 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
"'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
"Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service yet again: 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
"'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
"'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
"The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!'"
In a family way. . . While we're on a roll here, we have to pass along this one:
"A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient—you know how it is—and didn't have time to get you a gift.'
"'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'
"Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'
"'It's nothing,' said the father. 'We're glad you were able to come.'
"Just then the daughter arrived: 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'
"After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
"The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'
"'Yes,' said the father. 'And cheap ones, too.'"
Having a bad day. . . We can't vouch for the authenticity of this tale of woe, passed along from the depths of the Internet by Giz, but as she says, "Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy." According to the yarn, the author, Rob, is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Rob sent this email to his sister, who then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Ind., that was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, this entry won:
"Hi Cheryl,
"Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
"So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
"What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
"Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
"I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
"So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse. Now repeat to yourself: I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?"
Had a bad day? Sharing it with Desert Diary will make you feel better. Send to Desert Diary, PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com.
Annals of law enforcement. . . Speaking of putting things into perspective, thanks to JackB for this law-enforcement lesson:
"A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
"The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
"The lawyer says, 'What for?'
"'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
"The lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
"The deputy says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
"'What's the difference?'
"The deputy says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop—that's the law. License and registration, please!'
"The lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
"So the deputy says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?'"
No joking matter. . . Finally, on a more serious note, we pass along this thought for the day from Bev of Silver, who says, it "just seemed apropos to me." To which we can only add, "Amen!":
"Heavenly Father. Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single father who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with his children.
"Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, uninterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
"Remind us, Lord, that the scary-looking bum begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
"Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slowly through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress is savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
"Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us not judge; let us be quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love."
Share your thoughtful thoughts, heartwarming or hilarious anecdotes, favorite jokes and tales of woe or wonder with Desert Diary at PO Box 191, Silver City, NM 88062, fax 534-4134 or email diary@desertexposure.com. Remember that the best submission each month is rewarded with a 10th anniversary Desert Exposure coffee mug, soon to be a collector's item as we enter our 11th year!