Family Ties
By Jeff BergThree tales of adoption, identity and building families.
A boy is sitting on the porch steps outside the tiny frame house where he is being raised, pouting about a brand new transgression that has been heaped upon his youthful psyche. Perhaps Mom had said, "Take out the garbage!" "Feed the dog!" "Change your socks!" Or the worst of all, "Mow the lawn!" A job he always detested—if only the person who invented xeriscaping had brought that art to the Midwest many years earlier!
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Dan Kaufman: "On occasion
I wonder if I have brothers or sisters, which I wonder about more than things about my parents." |
Alas, this can't be my real mom, the boy thinks. My real mom wouldn't punish me by making me work; she would let me sort baseball cards or set up my 438th version of the Battle of Chickamauga with my Marx Battle of the Blue and Gray Play Set (which, by the way, the boy should have kept, since the same thing just sold on eBay for $230). I must be adopted, he thinks.
Well, of course he is not, although that wasn't the first time nor the last that the same thought crossed my mind.
But how about those who really are adopted or who do adopt a child? Are there a lot of life issues associated with that? Three stories for you to consider.
Susan Alderman
If the name sounds familiar, it is because Alderman graced the pages of this publication a few months ago in an article about the Las Cruces Veggie Nite Out group (March 2006). It was during that interview that Alderman asked if Desert Exposure had ever considered doing a story about adoption. (Our thanks to her for a great idea. In the meantime, People's Law columnist Tito Meyer has also covered the legal side of adoption; see the May and June issues.) While offering this suggestion, Alderman volunteered that she was adopted.
Alderman has been in Las Cruces only a short time, and is a pharmacist, with a deep interest in animal welfare.
"I found out that I was adopted when I was seven," she says. "I learned about it from a cousin, but it didn't bother me that much. I did approach my (adoptive) mother who told me a story that turned out to not be true."
Alderman's adoptive mother told her that her parents were two doctors, and that her birth mother got pregnant, but that her birth parents felt they were too busy to properly raise a child: "They loved you very much, but they were too busy, so they gave you to us."
What really happened was that after Alderman's birth, she was voluntarily given up and placed by the Health and Human Services office in a room with a cluster of other babies. She was adopted at seven months, after spending time in a foster home in Rochester, NY.
"I didn't really have any interest in knowing anything until my late 20s," she says. "My adoptive mom passed away when I was 19, which is when I found out that she had lied to me. I found the papers through Louise Wise Services in New York City."
Alderman then found out where she came from. Her father, whom she has since been in contact with, was indeed a medical student, who later went on to become a dentist. He is of Greek heritage, and was 23 when Susan was born. Her mother was 20 and a nursing student when she gave birth, and her cultural background is primarily Russian.
But Alderman waited for several more years before trying to contact her birth parents, who never married. "I was an accident," she says, which her birth mother told her when she did get in touch with her in 1997.
"In my early 30s, I wanted more information about my mother, and started attending an adoption support group." This later led Alderman to ask for help in finding about her background.
A social worker who was helping her with research once tried to lend her a hand by leaving Alderman alone in an office for a short time with an open file on her desk. The woman wasn't allowed to tell Alderman certain things, but Alderman did not capitalize on the opportunity to peek at the paperwork.
She did discover that birth mothers could put their names in a registry that will allow the children who are put up for adoption to seek them out later. "My mom wasn't in there, and I got very upset and gave up looking for a while." Later, when Alderman asked her birth mother why she hadn't put her name in the registry, her mom said, "I don't deserve to know my child."
Stumped by the registry, Alderman soon met and hired a private investigator, who didn't waste any time in finding her birth mother—who was married and living in Wisconsin.
When asked why she didn't look for her birth parents before, Alderman replies that she didn't want to ruin someone else's life.
You can find more about adopting a Chinese child through Great Wall at www.gwac.org. Closer to home, you can find information on children in New Mexico who could use a loving home, especially older ones, at www.cyfd.org. |
Alderman learned that her name at birth was Laura Dawn Wagner. Her adopted name was originally Susan Wechtel. "That was the name on my first birth certificate. It was not an open adoption, but the PI was able to find it."
She did contact her birth mother, Harriet Dinnerstein, who welcomed her. "She was so happy that I had looked for her," Alderman says. "She was very happy and very proud to know that I was doing so well."
Her birth mother had not finished nursing school, which she was attending when she became pregnant, and instead had a career at home, as a full-time wife and mom. The man that her mother had married knew about Alderman.
"I asked my mother about my father, and she told me his name." Since his last name was Kaloudis, and he was a doctor, it didn't take long for her to find out that there were only three Dr. Kaloudis in the entire country.
Alderman decided to call her father about five years ago. "The first Dr. Kaloudis I called actually had had calls for my father in the past. He told me that my father (a dentist) lived in California.
"The phone call was very scary. I asked him if he knew a Harriet Dinnerstein, and he said that he did. He was kind of shocked when I told him, but he accepted me. I had to tell him that I wasn't 'after' anything, and that I didn't want any money."
She adds, "I have not met him, but I have seen pictures, and I don't look like either of my parents."
Alderman says that her birth father no longer practices dentistry and has never married. She describes him as a bit of a "playboy," as he has mentioned several different girlfriends, but now that he is older, he's "cutting back a little bit."
Susan Alderman's adopted parents have both passed away, but she stays in touch with her birth mom, and with her half-brother and sister. She was even invited to participate in her sister's wedding several years ago.
In spite of the trauma that an individual can experience upon learning that they are adopted, Alderman is very much at peace with herself and her life. "Lots of women secretly had kids back then," she points out. In New York State, where her birth mother lived at the time, "moms went to a halfway house on Staten Island and were labeled 'young girls in trouble.'"
Would she consider adopting a child herself? "Absolutely," she replies. "With my environmental concerns (Alderman rescues birds and other animals), why wouldn't I rescue a child, too? Someone needs to take care of these kids."
Bryan and Ellie Zielezinski
By the time you read this, Bryan Zielezinski will be on his way to, or settling in at his new home in Rawlins, Wyo. Zielezinski, his wife Ellie, and their son, Israel, have left the low desert for the high desert of south-central Wyoming, where he will be the pastor at the Assembly of God congregation in Rawlins. He has been with the NMSU Campus Ministry since returning to Las Cruces a few years ago.
But while in Las Cruces, the Zielezinskis were the local contacts for Great Wall China Adoption (GWCA). Established in 1996, the agency has already placed 5,000 Chinese children in homes around the world.
Although Bryan and his wife have not yet adopted a Chinese child themselves, he explains that they were interested in a child from that culture. "Our hearts were drawn to China, and after doing some research, we found out about Great Wall. We contacted them, and went to work for them in March of this year.
"Most of their offices are staffed by parents who have adopted through Great Wall, and become an advocate for them in the area in which they live. We then provide a resource for local people who want to go through Great Wall."
The Zielezinskis have had several informational and networking meetings in Las Cruces that generated modest attendance. At the last one, about five families showed up to hear about Great Wall, which is based in Austin, Texas.
No placements have been made in Las Cruces proper yet, although one family in Anthony has worked through Great Wall to adopt a child, as have several in El Paso and Albuquerque. The new Great Wall rep will probably be based in Albuquerque, and come to Las Cruces several times a year for program presentations, according to Bryan Zielezinski. The workshops begin with a one-hour overview of Great Wall's policies and procedures.
"It takes about nine months from start to finish to get a child through Great Wall," he says. "We provide support from start to finish, which includes 'culture club' events to help parents learn about the Chinese culture. This also offers a Chinese-language course and a way for parents to share experiences and to share those things that they are learning."
Great Wall has children of all ages available, he adds, and China is currently one of the most popular places for adoption programs.
The Chinese government appears quite cooperative when it comes to adoption, as evidenced by the short period from start to finish that it could take a parent to adopt a child. Great Wall also works with single mothers who want to adopt, but they don't have programs for single men or gay couples.
The qualifications for adopting through Great Wall include age appropriateness, which is generally, for a couple, 30-45—not to exceed the "109 rule," meaning that the combined age of the couple should not exceed 109 years. But that is often flexible. Family income should be at least $10,000 per household member, including the pending adoptee. So, if a single couple wants to adopt a youngster, their annual income needs to be $30,000 prior to adopting. A single parent would have to be making at least $20,000.
Zielezinski says that in China it is technically illegal for children to be abandoned, but even with laws that cover that, about a million children are in foster homes and orphanages. And most of the available kids, perhaps 95 percent, are girls. He adds, "That may shift soon. The government is now catching on that they will need more girls in the general population."
He goes on, "A birth family might leave a note on a child that is left at an orphanage or police station or train station. That note is kept and made available to the child later on, so they can know a little bit about where they came from."
Great Wall also offers help for those who select a child with special needs. "Often, they are smaller physical issues, such as a cleft palate, and the agency seems to have a special knack at placing a child with a perfect match. Most kids just need a loving home."
Zielezinski and his wife themselves turned to adoption several years ago after encountering some infertility issues. "We decided it was more important to be parents than to have a baby," he says.
They received their son, Israel Joshua, when he was just an infant. He turned three in July.
His birth mother lived in Georgia, and was in the military. She had two children already, and was planning on staying in the service after the birth of her son.
"We applied through a Christian agency in Georgia in April of 2003. We got a phone call one day and were told that we should be in our home the next afternoon. We had been selected by the birth mom when she was about seven to eight months pregnant, and the next call told us that our son was 10 days old."
While on the phone to the agency, Bryan learned that she had not named the infant, and he scribbled a note to his wife that said "Israel Joshua," which was the only name they considered.
Georgia law requires a 10-day waiting period in case the mother changes her mind. "Those were the 10 most agonizing days, waiting for the paperwork to clear," he recalls. "We wrestled with the idea of jumping in the car and driving straight through to Georgia!"
During that time, the couple received pictures of their new baby boy, one of which still hangs on the wall of the couple's home.
"It was a Thursday evening when Israel arrived at the El Paso airport," Bryan remembers. "There were a lot of firsts involved—it was our first child, the first placement for the agency, and the ambassador from the airline's first time in that role.
"As we walked through the airport, some people were looking at us suspiciously." Israel Joshua is of African-American heritage, while the Zielezinskis are Anglo, and apparently some folks may have thought them to be kidnappers. "But we were glad for their concern.
"Others," Bryan adds proudly, "applauded us as we walked by!"
A lot of older folks would look in the baby carrier when they got back to Las Cruces, and offered good wishes and prayers to the couple. But, Bryan says, "One old man sneered at us one day until his wife give him a good slap on the shoulder and told him to come on."
When the couple adopts their Chinese daughter, they will be well on their way to their goal of making their family look like they came from the United Nations.
"We hope to live in Scotland someday, and that Israel will develop a Scottish accent," Bryan says, adding with a laugh, "He might be the first black child in Scotland to have a Scottish accent, a Hebrew first name and a Polish last name."
Dan Kaufman
Dan Kaufman is a fit and trim 41, with gentle green eyes. A newcomer to Las Cruces with his wife of 14 years, Elaine, he is still adjusting to a big lifestyle change, after moving here just over a year ago from the East Coast. He is working for Guynes Printing in El Paso as a graphic designer.
Kaufman was adopted through Catholic Charities at three weeks of age, a fact he says has had little effect on him throughout his life. He first learned about it during a family trip to Early, Iowa, where his adopted parents had family. He recalls being six or eight years old that summer.
"We would get in the old blue Dodge, and my dad had made a plywood bed for my brother and me. It was always an open issue, and once on the way to Iowa, we went through the whole story. About the only time it came up was when we went to Early for those visits."
His younger brother Gregory is adopted as well, from different birth parents. Growing up, it was inevitably pointed out that they were the adopted sons of Niles and Betty Kaufman, both by relatives and by the hack writer of the weekly newspaper's blather section: "Niles and Betty Kaufman and their two adopted sons are here for a visit from Chicago."
Kaufman has never made a serious attempt to find his birth parents. He does know that his birth mom gave him up because she wanted to make sure that he went to a loving family who could offer him more. He knows that she was 19, of German and Irish descent, and was about 5-foot-4 in height. His dad was a 6-foot-2 blond, blue-eyed military man of Danish heritage. In a letter from Catholic Charities, there is no mention whether the couple stayed together, or where they were at that time.
At a young age, Kaufman was glad to learn that his biological dad was 6-foot-2. He would think up awful scenarios of what they looked like, but the thoughts would pass quickly. "When you're 10, you think of stuff like that for a little while and then run outside to play baseball."
He also thought of some of the coincidental scenarios that could happen to him as an adopted lad—especially when he read about a young man and woman who had met, fallen in love, and then found out they were brother and sister who had been adopted out to separate families. "I clipped out that article and saved it," he says.
"I didn't really have any issues with being adopted through high school or grade school, but I did notice that my brother and I were very different in a lot of ways." Kaufman describes his brother as being more confrontational during personal conflict, while he remains more passive or walks away from it.
His adoptive father had several different careers, such as salesperson and in food preparation. "He loved to cook, and I blame him for my serious sweet tooth. He was always making stuff I liked, like cabbage soup and stuffed green peppers. He also loved oatmeal with molasses and farina. On my mom's side, it was a little different."
One snack recipe from her side of the family includes limburger cheese and onions on a cracker.
Sadly, his adoptive father also had issues with alcohol, which might have been a contributing factor to his passing when Kaufman was only 18. His adoptive mom is still alive and lives in Chicago.
As for his birth parents, he says, "I never found my birth parents, and never got to the point where I had wanted to."
A cousin, who is also adopted, had a different experience. He made a lengthy and fruitless search, even using a private investigator, and ended up with no information at all.
Some things do occur to Kaufman, however, about not knowing his biological parents. "I have no medical issues right now, but I have no idea of a medical history. On occasion I wonder if I have brothers or sisters, which I wonder about more than things about my parents. That is almost a non-issue. Brothers and sisters would be cool, and I do wonder if my parents are still together. But part of me doesn't really want to know, so I can make them who I want.
"In my twenties, I would sometimes have these far-out fantasies that someone sitting next to me is really rich, and that we're related."
Growing up, though, Kaufman learned that being related is, well, relative. His brother, who had different birth parents, is blue-eyed with dark hair, while Kaufman is blond. Kaufman says that they have equally little in common in terms of behavior and mannerisms.
And yet, he recalls with a smile, "Every time went to see family or friends, they would always say, 'You look so much alike, I can see such a family resemblance!' We always got a big laugh out of that."
Senior Writer Jeff Berg still sometimes wonders if he is adopted.