D  e  s  e  r  t     E  x  p  o  s  u  r  e     July 2005

When Love Is Sacred

Tantra allows us to open ourselves to loving ourselves fully.

By Bill Stites

Despite all of our social advances, it is no secret that we live in a time where much conflict still exists between both women and men. Sadly, there are many examples of the disparities that still exist. Just look at the prevailing need for domestic-abuse shelters and the fact that most of the clients are women seeking protecting from men. It simply amazes me how often I hear people speak of the frustrations with their partners, and the resistance that prevents them from furthering their relationships. Myself included.

From what I can see, there was undoubtedly a time in ancient history when men and women met as true equals, partners in life's journey and partners in bed. As partners, it was not about dominion over the other; it was about supporting each other. Both the woman and the man worked as equals. This created an opportunity to become empowered as each partner was respected for the qualities that they possessed. Both women and men had the opportunity to walk a path of love without the burden of fear, guilt and shame embedded in their psyche. This is not to say that that these partnership societies were without their problems; rather, they provided a model of how relationships could grow in a way that was healthy, honoring and respectful of each other. The ancient goddess cultures are probably the best example of this. There are many good books readily available, such as Sacred Pleasure by Riane Eisler, that explore this subject in detail.

Through the experiences of life's journeys, I found myself compelled to explore the idea that a quality connection between women and men was not just a physical, emotional and sexual experience. It appeared that the potential existed for this connection to be spiritual as well. I suspected that the potential existed to use sexual energy as a vehicle to move spiritual energy through the entire body, and, in the process, open to our higher Self. It seemed that if sexual energy could be guided in the right way, it would be transformational. I realized that this required looking beyond the Western perceptions of sexuality. Through this exploration, I stumbled across Tantra and found that there is in fact a profound connection between sexuality and spirituality.

Please allow me to clarify by saying that this connection is not all about sex. While better sex is a benefit of Tantra, this is not the "goal." When we are able to move through the guilt and shame that we hold in our sex (the same guilt and shame that has been handed down through the generations from cultural conditioning), we are able to move closer to opening to our authentic Self. In opening to our authentic Self, we are able to more fully embrace the gifts that life has to offer, and to discover the gifts that we have to offer.

Although I am told that there are many Tantric paths, I myself know of only one, Sky Dancing Tantra. Many people have perceptions of Tantra as being some weird sex cult. While this may be true for some groups professing to practice Tantra (which, so far I have never met), it is the furthest thing from the truth in the Tantric path that I have been exposed to. So Sky Dancing Tantra, as I understand it, is what I will speak of.

Sky Dancing Tantra is a form of Tantra developed by Margot Anand. She developed this style of Tantra to teach the essence of this ancient yoga in a way that Western lovers would understand. Anand is considered by many to be the world's foremost expert on the subject. She has published numerous books, videos and CDs. Perhaps one of her best well-known books is The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. Anand has studied under many masters, including Osho at his Ashram in Puna, India. I consider myself fortunate to have had the opportunity to be one of her many students.

Tantra is about Spirit, but it is not a religion. Tantra is about connecting to your authentic Self, and, through the process, opening to Source, to Creator, or however you see it. Tantra is a Sanskrit word meaning "to weave." Weaving and integrating together several important keys such as breath, movement and sound as well as tools from other paths, such as yoga and meditation, Tantra works to open us up to our higher Self, and, in the process, to our ecstatic potential.

Part of this process of opening up to our ecstatic potential requires opening our "Inner Flute." The Inner Flute can be thought of as the energy conduit that connects all seven chakras. Personally, I like to think of each chakra as a "note" on this flute. When the chakras are fluidly open, then we are able to move orgasmic energy up and down this flute through our entire being, much in the same way that a musician would play a sweet melody. The effect of this is that it changes the way we see our relations, the world and ourselves.

For those who are not familiar with chakras, allow me to briefly say that there are seven primary chakras. Each chakra is located in a specific location in our body and is associated with a specific type of energy. For example, the first chakra, which is located around the perineum, is our root. The first chakra is about survival and being grounded to Earth. On the other end is the seventh chakra, which is the crown chakra and is located at the top of our head. The seventh chakra is about our connection to our higher self and spirit. The first and second chakras, our root and sex, are our foundation. Like a building's foundation, when these root chakras are solid and not damaged from trauma and abuse (sexual or otherwise), this "foundation" is able to properly support the structure of our remaining chakras.

The fourth chakra, the heart, is the center chakra, as there are three above and three below. The sex and the intellect are the opposite arms of a scale, with the heart chakra being at the center. When we act from our heart center, which is intuitive and holistic, our actions are in balance. Yet, when we act strictly from either our intellect or our sex, like an offset scale, our actions are no longer balanced. Acting from this place of imbalance only creates disharmony for ourselves and for others. Tantra works to direct the energy from all the chakras through the heart, creating balance in action.

Tantra allows us to open ourselves to loving ourselves fully. This self-love is not narcissistic; rather, it is based on the realization that no one will ever love us more than we love ourselves. When we love ourselves fully, we can give ourselves permission to honor, heal and nurture our being. How can anyone love us 100 percent if we only love ourselves 50 percent? When we love ourselves 100 percent, then our love shines from the inside out, like a light beacon that radiates. This shining light radiates for all to see and feel; however, it is not dependant upon another to be radiant. When we love ourselves fully, we are able to send that love out to the world with abundance and detachment. And, when the love of another comes into our lives, it becomes truly a gift.

If there were anything I could wish for humanity, it would be to become aware that opening to our higher Self and discovering our ecstatic potential is our birthright. If couples could only come to see their relationships as sacred, as an aspect of the Divine, then maybe we can move closer to healing some of the wounds that plague us.

Bill Stites will be offering an introductory all-day workshop on Tantra during the Healing and Transformation Retreat, August 5-7 at Wildwood Hot Springs, near the Gila Cliff Dwellings. The retreat is organized by ArVella Zachery and Yo Kalisher and will also feature workshops by Juniper Bowers on Chakra Yoga and Partner Yoga; demonstrations of simplified Watsu water techniques; and morning and evening spirit circles. Individual healing sessions will focus on physical and inner healing and spiritual guidance. For information, email yokalisher@gmail.com or call 536-3180. You can learn more about Margot Anand and Sky Dancing Tantra on her website at www.margotanand.com.

Bill Stites describes himself as "a student in the continuing education department in the University of Life." His ongoing life experiences have compelled him to study ways to enrich the quality of connections in relationships. His studies include completing the Love and Ecstasy training presented by Margot Anand. He aspires to complete the facilitators training in 2006. Contact him at gilaman@zianet.com.

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